Lessons in Writing Lessons: Part One

June 29, 2007 at 6:22 pm · Filed under Tutorials / Advice

Lately I’ve been running into a bit of a slump with my writing. I’m not sure if it’s the all night hooker fests I’ve been having or the all day Vicodin feasts that I enjoy along with my amazing pet hermit crabs. Whatever it is, I need to learn to focus. In order to help me get on track, I have enlisted the help of some writing exercises. Normally I would think these things are bullshit, however, my very first lesson produced one of the most amazing literary works in modern history. Wait, no, THE most amazing literary work in history, period.

The Assignment:

“You’ve finally snapped. Stress has gotten the better of you, and you can no longer think in long descriptive sentences. Write about the day you lost your mind, using sentences comprised of six words or fewer.”
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Mark Garrison’s Methods for Amazing Weight Loss

May 24, 2007 at 3:10 pm · Filed under Reviews, Society, Tutorials / Advice

So you look like Jerry Lewis when he was on drugs and you want to be able to actually see your own cock again. You probably don’t give a shit but your woman is getting sick of having to hold your stomach up when she gives you a blow job and her lower back hurts from your flab laying on it when you do doggy style. Yeah, I’d say it’s time to lose some weight.
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Mark Garrison’s Salad Tragedy

August 8, 2006 at 3:34 pm · Filed under Affairs, Food / Cooking

Now I’ve had some strange things happen to me at restaurants before but this was simply unforgivable.
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For Your Safety

June 9, 2006 at 3:13 pm · Filed under Comics, Tutorials / Advice

Tips and suggestions that will save your life

We really care about you, and want you to live a long happy safe like. That is why we have put together this list of general rules of thumb that will help you get through your daily struggle.
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Italian Sausage with Noodles and Stuff is It!

June 7, 2006 at 1:46 pm · Filed under Food / Cooking

Chunks of Meat are so Sweet to Eat

She looked at me from across the bar, and so I made my way over, trying to look as cool as possible, using all the latest neat walks I could think of. I chose a topic to introduce myself with, pulled my long hair over the stain on my dirty shirt, and took a seat next to her.
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Fried Rice (entree version) Recipe Out of Order for ADD Readers

December 5, 2005 at 7:51 pm · Filed under Food / Cooking

You’ll need:
- rice
- bacon or cooking oil
- stir fry veggies…the more the merrier
- 1 egg (unless you’re making a fuckload or just want more eggy protein)
- soy sauce
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How to Make a Million Dollars in Plastics

October 13, 2005 at 3:09 pm · Filed under Tutorials / Advice

And not sell your soul to the devil

Today the plastics industry is one of the most profitable for business men and women who partake in the trade. Made from dinosaurs and other like material, plastics help people daily with tasks that would be impossible without them.
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Super Cake Seizure

September 23, 2005 at 7:41 pm · Filed under Food / Cooking, Major Motion Pictures

Sugar + Diabetics = Orgy

Cake…cake…cake! Hey cake! Our buddy Josh drove an hour to be with us for his 21st birthday, and the least we could do is make a creepy movie about our love for his birthday cake. It may have only been around for a few minutes before we managed to eat it, but the memory still remains strong.
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Chicken Sandwich, Fuck Yeah!

August 31, 2005 at 5:37 pm · Filed under Food / Cooking, Major Motion Pictures

Chicken Sandwich is hear to save the fucking day yeah!

Every so often we get the change to indulge in one of the finest foods known to man. Not only does it taste great, but it is filling, and 600% more healthy, according to us, than anything else we could have eaten.
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Pancakes are It, Again

July 17, 2005 at 5:36 pm · Filed under Food / Cooking

They just rock that much.

We didn’t have any milk, and so we thought that we couldn’t make pancakes. Vicky is a smart one though, and she decided that it would be okay to use half and half because it is mostly milk. It was a good idea, and soon we had pancakes.
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