Why I Get All the Freelance Jobs, and You Don’t

April 29, 2008 at 2:25 am · Filed under Featured, Higher Quality, Tutorials / Advice

First I want to say, as a little encouragement to those working in a freelance market, it is an extremely tough way to get business, and very competitive. Before I failed over and over again, I had no idea what I was doing, and it really showed when I had to face up against a professional seller. I would try to sound smart and end up using words the customer didn’t understand, while my competition smoothed talked their way into contract after contract.
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10 Reasons to get off your ass and Walk your Dog

March 10, 2008 at 6:07 pm · Filed under Featured, Higher Quality, Tutorials / Advice

It’s about time people around these parts were motivated to make the world a better place. I mean look at old faithful Fido sleeping on the couch while you watch people fight on YouTube. He yearns for the great open plains where he can run free like the young dog that lives inside him.
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Lifetip: Don’t Use Spam in Promises

September 21, 2007 at 6:34 pm · Filed under Higher Quality, Tutorials / Advice

Today we are going to talk about promises. When you make a promise, it is very important to keep it. You risk your pride, credibility, and perhaps hours of embarrassment because you are a loser (especially when it involves your daughter or ex-wife). The whole key to keeping every promise you make it to make those promises within your comfort zone, never promising anything you can’t deliver on without having to give up other things, like your drug addiction. One example of a really bad promise comes from a Nebraska man who promised to eat nothing but spam for a month, and now he is a bottom of the barrel “Spam head.”
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Lessons in Writing Lessons Part 4

August 20, 2007 at 9:49 pm · Filed under Higher Quality, People, Tutorials / Advice

In history there have been many displays of literary fortitude, yet few displays of sheer magnificence in that regard which transcend the reason of any discerning human. This my friends, is one of those displays.

The Exercise:

Describe a pottery class from the POV of the student, instructor and the clay.
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Lessons in Writing Lessons Pt. 3

July 31, 2007 at 8:19 pm · Filed under Higher Quality, People, Society, Tutorials / Advice

Ok, so it took me a few hours to realize that part 2 wasn’t quite the literary masterpiece I expected. But fear not oh loyal fans! Because Mark Garrison is back with what IS in fact the finest piece of artwork ever manufactured by placing words together. Now this time, for the love of Jeezy Weezy Cheezy, you MUST mentally prepare yourself for the worlds most amazing work of art. I present to you, Part 3.

The Exercise:

Write an intriguing first line for a romance novel. Repeat the exercise, writing first lines for a mystery, horror, Western and a suspense story.
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How to Promote Yourself in the New World Part 1

July 31, 2007 at 8:12 pm · Filed under Tutorials / Advice

We live in a strange place. The small community were everyone knows your name is becoming a thing of the past. There are people, so many of them everywhere, and you can no longer promote your show by just telling a few people in town who will let the rest of the community know. Now, you have to use the many powers of communication.
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Lessons in Writing Lessons Pt. 2

July 31, 2007 at 12:48 am · Filed under Society, Tutorials / Advice

I sincerely think these writing lessons are paying off. They better be. It was either a months supply of blue Monsters and Vicodin or these lessons. Well it looks like I made the right decision. After my latest one, I produced literary art worthy of placement in a writing museum (they have those right?). After I read this lesson’s result for the first time, I almost fainted because I had never witnessed such perfect writing in my entire life.
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Ways to Turn Your Girlfriend Into a Slut Without Making Her Feel Slutty

July 7, 2007 at 7:11 pm · Filed under Opinion, People, Tutorials / Advice

Many guys out there are wondering how they can turn their girlfriends (or wives) into sluts or whores without pissing them off and making them leave you for your better looking, church going best friend. Here are five surefire ways to accomplish this.
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Lessons in Writing Lessons: Part One

June 29, 2007 at 6:22 pm · Filed under Tutorials / Advice

Lately I’ve been running into a bit of a slump with my writing. I’m not sure if it’s the all night hooker fests I’ve been having or the all day Vicodin feasts that I enjoy along with my amazing pet hermit crabs. Whatever it is, I need to learn to focus. In order to help me get on track, I have enlisted the help of some writing exercises. Normally I would think these things are bullshit, however, my very first lesson produced one of the most amazing literary works in modern history. Wait, no, THE most amazing literary work in history, period.

The Assignment:

“You’ve finally snapped. Stress has gotten the better of you, and you can no longer think in long descriptive sentences. Write about the day you lost your mind, using sentences comprised of six words or fewer.”
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Mark Garrison’s Methods for Amazing Weight Loss

May 24, 2007 at 3:10 pm · Filed under Reviews, Society, Tutorials / Advice

So you look like Jerry Lewis when he was on drugs and you want to be able to actually see your own cock again. You probably don’t give a shit but your woman is getting sick of having to hold your stomach up when she gives you a blow job and her lower back hurts from your flab laying on it when you do doggy style. Yeah, I’d say it’s time to lose some weight.
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