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// Humor

Letter From My Parents Who Don’t Understand the Concept of Fiction

by: Mark Garrison

Dear Son,

It’s been a long time since we’ve written. We still don’t have a phone, so that’s why we haven’t called. As soon as I convince your father that the telephone has in fact been invented, you will be the first person I call. Please include your telephone address in your response. How are things going? I hope you are doing well. Your sister tells me that you are a writer now. How exciting! She mailed me some magazines with your articles in them. I must admit that your father and I were a bit concerned when we read about your latest invention son. “Old People Huts” designed to “house elderly family members when they become very ill or overly annoying” just seems a bit wrong Mark. After reading that, your father told me to unplug the phone as he was expecting the media to call and ask questions about you. I had to remind him that we don’t have a telephone.
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Dance Levi Dance III

by: Levi Blackman

After a hiatus of dancing (I pulled my Glutoid-o-Mastus)I am proud to present Dance Levi Dance 3. I have mastered a few new moves! Please let me know what you think, and as always, please send in any suggestions you have so I can improve my dancing. I have come a long way thanks to all you out there, and can’t wait to better my own dancing.
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Slim Jim Used in Prostitution Bust of Lady Liberty

by: Levi Blackman

lady_liberty.jpg(Satire Disclaimer) According to local eye witness reports a “Slim Jim,” or a really skinny guy dressed up like Uncle Sam, was used to bust well known prostitute “Lady Liberty.” Miss Liberty had been running a prostitute ring for over a year, and have developed a brand known as “The Night of Liberation.” Police report that with this bust, there a no longer an costume wearing prostitutes left in the city.
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Whatever you do, Don’t Look Up!

by: Levi Blackman

My dad always taught me that when a flock of birds fly over your head, the last thing you want to do is look up. Unfortunately for this guy, his father must not have loved him.

It is dangerous to be a news reporter in these scary and trying times.

Stories by Mark Garrison Jr., Son of Mark Garrison

by: Mark Garrison

I will be presenting stories from time to time that my nine year old son wrote. No, this is not some gag, they were really written by him. I’m not the kind of parent that puts those retarded “My Son Blah Blah” stickers on their cars, but this kid isn’t half bad. So without further ado, I hereby present to you the first ever published piece from the satire and humor child prodigy, Mark Garrison Jr.
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Damn I’m Lucky!

by: Mark Garrison

Subject: The rest of my life
From: Your FORMER corporate slave
Date: First day of the rest of my life!
To: FORMER captor (Tom in logistics)

They say that a man can only be so lucky, but I received the most important emails of my life today. Not only am I being personally requested to handle an $80,000,000 inheritance transaction for a cocoa/gold/oil farm widower from Congo, but I have been randomly selected out of over 500,000,000 emails to receive Norway’s biggest lump sum lottery prize of over $75,000,000,000,000. I’M RICH BIOTCH!
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Local Man’s New Years Resolution to Enjoy Life More Broken, Life Still Sucks

by: Levi Blackman

Local man Rodney Mcparkerson resolved to enjoy life more this year. The past few years have been hard on Mcparkerson, and he has become more depressed, leaving the house less and sleeping the days away. He wanted a new fresh start, so he could actually do something with his life instead of sulk in his bedroom. Sadly, after only three days of the new year, Mcparkerson has broken his New Years Resolution, and has locked himself in his room watching reruns of Mash.
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Journalists Everywhere Give Up, Better than Alternative Actually Caring

by: Levi Blackman

Due to the fact that people really don’t care what they are watching on the news as long as it is mindless are causing Journalists everywhere to just give up trying to find the hard biting stories and just report about cute things. Today’s top stories, Cousin’s Save Dog from Ocean, Pet Tigers, and Grandma Saved from Reindeer.
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Porn Writers Strike, No One Notices

by: Mark Garrison

LOS ANGELES — The impact of a strike by porn writers was still not very evident, even as the strike entered its tenth year. While production on approximately twelve adult films was stopped due to the strike, both the porn industry and the porn watching community are barely able to tell that anything has changed.
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Santa Claus Outsources North Pole Operations

by: Mark Garrison

Santa Claus, working under the corporate name Santa Inc., announced a complete outsourcing of his main Christmas functions to India-based Duhandi Retail Services. Calls to Santa’s North Pole headquarters on Monday were met with a voice mail message. (Actual voice mail recording)
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