The Jerk is CricketSoda’s famous attempt at satire.
Due to the fact that people really don’t care what they are watching on the news as long as it is mindless are causing Journalists everywhere to just give up trying to find the hard biting stories and just report about cute things. Today’s top stories, Cousin’s Save Dog from Ocean, Pet Tigers, and Grandma Saved from Reindeer.
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LOS ANGELES — The impact of a strike by porn writers was still not very evident, even as the strike entered its tenth year. While production on approximately twelve adult films was stopped due to the strike, both the porn industry and the porn watching community are barely able to tell that anything has changed.
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Santa Claus, working under the corporate name Santa Inc., announced a complete outsourcing of his main Christmas functions to India-based Duhandi Retail Services. Calls to Santa’s North Pole headquarters on Monday were met with a voice mail message. (Actual voice mail recording)
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Even after the recent problems with lead in toys from China and higher gas prices, Santa Clause is once again promising all the young girls and boys of the world everything on their list, as long as they have been nice this year. This comes as a surprise to many experts on the subject, especially after rumors that Santa stormed out of the workshop in a cherry red rage and kicked a bucket of reindeer feed.
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Rockinton, GA - (satire disclaimer) Working late to finish up a project, employees of Smith, Smith, and John Interactive faced a disaster that promised to ruin the hard work of many. Fried egg sandwiches, with bacon and cheese, (on sourdough) delivered to the late night warriors caused extreme cramping. Soon, the only toilet in the building was clogged beyond repair, and the closed church across the street was the only option.
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(satire disclaimer) The West Creek Elementary School has banned most forms of Mexican food including the “Exploding Motherload” burrito and “Omar’s Spicy Pepper Pouch” after an incident late yesterday morning involving an entire English class. According to preliminary reports, a male 3rd grade student went to fart on another students face “bare assed.” The victim suffered burns on 90% of his body, and later died at the hospital from extrema fart toxic shock. The doctor who tried to save the young student was also killed from a rare allergic reaction to extremely spicy peppers.
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No Cat Ladies Please! Recently divorced 35 y/o widower (long story) looking for smart, lively, unmarried woman to make a new life with. I’m a kind man seeking a woman that won’t spray paint my car hot pink after finding out that I cheated on her (with her sister).
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West Creek Humane Society:
Bones is a 2-year-old Croatian Burmese/Persian mix. He’s an adorable little fellow who hates having his belly rubbed. He absolutely must live in a no-child home. He’s neutered, vaccinated, and on feline herpes treatment. He must have his lower jaw drained of pus every 5 minutes. He urinates from his eye sockets therefore a loving home is a must for this little guy! And don’t forget our 12th annual “Jaws for Paws” charity hot dog eating contest coming up Friday!
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School has started, and with that many crazy times to be had by all. This year though, seems more uneventful, with little going on other than studying and flute playing. Many players and pimps, usually partying it up this time of year, blame the apathetic hippies who just want to sit around on the streets talking all types of crazy “shiznit.”
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I was at a seedy strip club on Ventura. The women danced on stage, wrapped themselves around poles, ground themselves into the laps of lecherous businessmen unwinding after long hours at the office. I had a rum and Coke and was sitting at the bar, peering up every so often at the naked women, with Danny, my former college roommate who was going through a bitter divorce. His wife, Manda, was divorcing him because he frequented too many strip clubs.
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