The Day I Met Miles Davis

September 1, 2007 at 7:23 pm · Filed under People, The Column, The Jerk (satire)

I was late for swim aerobics. Let’s get that out of the way right now. So I was a little flustered when I was trying to hail a cab. I loved my swim aerobics class because it brought together three things I lived for - swimming, aerobics, and Steve, the instructor. Steve was wonderful. I loved him, really. He didn’t know it then but he did the week following when I told him in the locker room. He blushed but told me he was already taken by a set designer who worked off-Broadway doing irreverent shows about the Amish.
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FDA Approves “Morning-Before Pill”

August 30, 2007 at 3:16 pm · Filed under Society, The Column, The Jerk (satire)

(satire disclaimer) Las Vegas - Federal health officials decided on Wednesday to approve the “morning-before pill,” a controversial new form of birth control for over the counter sales.

The new pill, known as Plan-B-Minus will also be available for girls 8 to 17 years old without the need for a doctor’s excuse.
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The Day I Met Ethan Hawke

August 30, 2007 at 3:08 pm · Filed under People, The Jerk (satire)

He’s more than an actor, you know. He’s an author, too. He writes novels for us Gen X-ers. Books about roustabout dudes and the girls they love but can’t hold onto. Books filled with booze, and brawls, and babes with boobs. So I was intrigued when I heard he’d be giving a reading at a bookstore downtown. I got tickets to hear him read, maybe get his autograph for my little sister who had loved him ever since he played that wimpy boy on “Dead Poet’s Society.”
I went with my girlfriend, Chloe, who didn’t think one thing or the other on Ethan Hawke other than he had a striking resemblance to Chip, the guy who served her coffee every morning at Latte Da on Westchester Avenue.
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The Day I Met Angela Lansbury

August 29, 2007 at 1:40 pm · Filed under People, The Jerk (satire)

“I’m sorry,” I said, standing over her table as she ate shrimp cocktail, “I couldn’t help but notice you from across the restaurant.”

I never just walked up to someone famous and told them how much they meant to me.

“You’re Angela Lasbury, right? Of course you are.” Of course she was. Who could mistake the incomparable beauty of Angela Lansbury?
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Moon Gets Mad (turns red) at Earth for “Large Shadow”

August 27, 2007 at 3:56 pm · Filed under Affairs, Society

If you suffer from insomnia, like most of us, tonight is your night for a grand spectacle. The moon above will turn from its normal bright colors to a dark red brown looking dot in the sky as the earth’s shadow crosses its path. So, be out in your PJ’s at about 3:00A.M. Bring a pair of binoculars or a telescope if you have one so you can get an up close look at an event that hasn’t happened in over seven years.
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Really Cool New Wind Turbine For Urban Use

August 22, 2007 at 4:48 pm · Filed under Affairs, Society

A really badass wind turbine that fits snug on top of tall buildings won the BSI Sustainability Design Awards 2007. All global warming terror aside, who isn’t for electricity to can pick out of the wind. With this new personal turbine design, worries about how ugly and loud conventional large wind turbines are could be a thing of the past.
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Will I go to Hell for Something the Public Demands?

August 22, 2007 at 3:38 pm · Filed under Affairs, Society

So for some reason as I was lying in bed, sleeping far longer than I should, I began to wonder about demands from large groups of people. Everyone has demands on them from society, and I can see how some of these demands might conflict with getting into heaven. Does public demand have an effect on your heaven rating? Today, I am willing to sacrifice myself for science. CricketSoda has developed the ultimate test to determine true results.
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Lessons in Writing Lessons Part 4

August 20, 2007 at 9:49 pm · Filed under Higher Quality, People, Tutorials / Advice

In history there have been many displays of literary fortitude, yet few displays of sheer magnificence in that regard which transcend the reason of any discerning human. This my friends, is one of those displays.

The Exercise:

Describe a pottery class from the POV of the student, instructor and the clay.
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West Creek Herald Personals

August 16, 2007 at 3:40 pm · Filed under People, Society, The Jerk (satire)

This week, CricketSoda begins an all new weekly feature titled West Creek Herald Personals. The town of West Creek is very unique, and it’s citizens need questionable sexual encounters, I mean, dates, just like the rest of us. So without further ado, I hereby present the first ever West Creek Herald Personals.
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Lessons in Writing Lessons Pt. 3

July 31, 2007 at 8:19 pm · Filed under Higher Quality, People, Society, Tutorials / Advice

Ok, so it took me a few hours to realize that part 2 wasn’t quite the literary masterpiece I expected. But fear not oh loyal fans! Because Mark Garrison is back with what IS in fact the finest piece of artwork ever manufactured by placing words together. Now this time, for the love of Jeezy Weezy Cheezy, you MUST mentally prepare yourself for the worlds most amazing work of art. I present to you, Part 3.

The Exercise:

Write an intriguing first line for a romance novel. Repeat the exercise, writing first lines for a mystery, horror, Western and a suspense story.
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