Ok, so it took me a few hours to realize that part 2 wasn’t quite the literary masterpiece I expected. But fear not oh loyal fans! Because Mark Garrison is back with what IS in fact the finest piece of artwork ever manufactured by placing words together. Now this time, for the love of Jeezy Weezy Cheezy, you MUST mentally prepare yourself for the worlds most amazing work of art. I present to you, Part 3.

The Exercise:

Write an intriguing first line for a romance novel. Repeat the exercise, writing first lines for a mystery, horror, Western and a suspense story. (more…)

We live in a strange place. The small community were everyone knows your name is becoming a thing of the past. There are people, so many of them everywhere, and you can no longer promote your show by just telling a few people in town who will let the rest of the community know. Now, you have to use the many powers of communication. (more…)

I sincerely think these writing lessons are paying off. They better be. It was either a months supply of blue Monsters and Vicodin or these lessons. Well it looks like I made the right decision. After my latest one, I produced literary art worthy of placement in a writing museum (they have those right?). After I read this lesson’s result for the first time, I almost fainted because I had never witnessed such perfect writing in my entire life. (more…)

It is now being reported that there is a silent epidemic in this country. No, not the ignorance of the masses on presidential policy, but the danger that the elderly pose in the form of spreading AIDS. Even though their vaginas feel like ten year old Brillo pads and they smell like a mix of death and Geritol, the government is now spending untold amounts of money giving them AIDStests and condoms. (more…)

With the advent of YouTube, the death of MTV and other “music video” type mediums are a sure bet. Now, instead of having to watch several horrible mainstream bull hockey videos, you can find only the best and exactly what you want to watch. All you really need is a friend to suggest something for you to check out, and that is where I come in. (more…)

The small town of Myguire is known for its beautiful dog park that boasts over 100 acres in which your dog can truly be free. On a Sunday afternoon you can find hundreds of dogs running and playing, sniffing as many butts as possible. One thing you won’t find at this dog park though, is rabies tags.

This is because, according the local residents, the only veterinarian clinic in town is right next to the new all you can eat BBQ Buffet Royal, and recently a few pets have gone missing, making pet owners scare to take their loving Fefe in for his check up. (more…)

If you can make it through the wild lingo of this order (didn’t the presidents used to say things with a hint of power and romance?) you might just need to throw up. Maybe it is time to instead of having a president, we all vote online and make the laws our own damn selves. (more…)

I just read this on WikiNews. It came out almost a year ago, but I still think it is worth everyone reading if you missed it the first time around. Makes you really wonder what the country is coming to. I mean, I am almost afraid to post this and risk having my assets frozen.

I love the FBI! (more…)

I have yet to go, but rumor has it they have three Stripper polls just waiting for the drunk college girls to use, and it is called UR MOMS. Plus, and this is the best part, this weekend Congratulations will be playing the Norml Summer Festival at UR MOMS. Gaah(n) said it best. (more…)

Sorry for the downtime the past few days. We have been having some problems with spam, and when the bots all attack at once, it puts a lot of strain on our servers. Have no fear, we are back in business, and working hard to make sure nothing like that happens ever again.

Of course, I have said something like that before, and we just don’t live in a world like that. Shit hits the fan often, and we will just have to deal with it. This time though, we are bringing shovels.

If anyone in the outside world reads this please know that I am currently addicted to a video game called Command and Conquer 3. For some reason I am bomb at this game, and I win every time. I can’t seem to stop playing for more than an hour to eat and shower. With the advent of online multiplayer games, the number of people I can destroy while sitting in my PJ’s is uncountable to the point I can play all day long and never face the same two people. (more…)

Many guys out there are wondering how they can turn their girlfriends (or wives) into sluts or whores without pissing them off and making them leave you for your better looking, church going best friend. Here are five surefire ways to accomplish this. (more…)

CricketSoda is proud to announce a new feature on our website. (more…)

I was searching for inspiration today, ok, so I was sitting on the toilet talking to myself since I didn’t have a magazine. Regardless of what I was doing at the time, something happened to me. I saw an image of Pat Sajak in one of the tiles on my bathroom floor. And this was no average Pat Sajak sighting either, he had his mouth partially open as if he wanted to speak to me. I quickly stopped talking to my penis and stared at Pat. I made sure the door was locked so that Pat and I would not be disturbed should he choose to start a conversation. Sure enough, right before I stood up to wash my hands, Pat spoke. (more…)