In a strange turn of events, Innocent Pedestrian, a CricketSoda employee for over 4 years quit his job and fled the country. Blaming a few unfortunate Monopoly events (see “All Railroads Owned, Humanity Fucked”) Pedestrian cited “The world will end soon, so screw this blow ass job!” and stormed down the sand path of our secret playground meeting spot.

To take his spot, Townperson Man and Local Woman will begin covering all those important events and happenings right in your hometown. Even though this will put a lot of pressure on CricketSoda and its staff to get the new faces trained and accustomed to the strange working environment, many are optimistic about the change.

<- Artist rendition of Local Woman

“You know what! Innocent Pedestrian wasn’t that good of a writer anyways!” boss Sammy Mcsossa said. “So what ever, I fired him. He tried to quit, and I said hell no bitch, your fired!”

Coworkers seem to carry the same attitude.

“You know sometimes he would leave food just sitting out on his desk. He would go out on some bullshit assignment and leave it rotting for all us suckers to smell all day. Plus, they turn off the air conditioner, say it is broken, and make us suffer just so they can save a little money.” Co-Project Coordinator Sarah Mcsilverman said. “Go up to the top floor and it is ice up there. You know, maybe Pedestrian was right, and we should just say f-this nonsense, but then again, no one really liked that guy and you know, the thing about the sandwich. I’m glad he’s gone.”

Me personally, CEO founder Levi Blackman, would have fired him a long time ago if I would have known it was him eating all the Twix out of the machine before I even had a chance to get any.

Townperson Man and Local Woman will keep the traditions of Innocent Pedestrian, and will remain annoymous, at least until someone on the staff slips up and sends out a press release or something.

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