on midget porn, condom dispensers, and porn star rights

(satire disclaimer) Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito fielded more questions from the media today on topics ranging from church restroom condom dispensers, midget porn, porn star rights, and animal abortion.

Makes church a little more interesting.

In a question and answer session that lasted more than 15 hours, Alito dodged the topic midget porn sighting personal conflicts. “I am unable to answer any questions regarding midget porn at this time due to the fact that I have a family member that is in the business.” After the laughter subsided, Alito responded with, “It’s not funny, I happen to enjoy midget porn and I can’t watch it because I always think about my cousin……..oops.”

Alito tried his best to dodge questions about a 1987 court ruling in which he commented that church restrooms should contain condom dispensers to thwart altar boy pregnancy. When reminded that males cannot conceive children, Alito replied, “Really? Thank goodness, cause Father Richardson didn’t pull out that last time and……oops.” Alito continued by advising the media that condom dispensers in church restrooms were still a great idea for the girls too.

Samuel Alito is perhaps most widely remembered for a 1995 court ruling that porn stars did not have to wear mouth condoms when performing fellatio. “Those were my feelings then and those are my feelings now. I believe it really takes away from the performance when a mouth condom is used.” When asked why he watches pornography, Alito responded by saying “No, no, I wasn’t talking about watching it; I was referring to how uncomfortable they are. I can never get them to fit right.” Alito then whistled the Star Spangled Banner and waved an Iraqi flag before vomiting on Katie Couric.

Media interviews with Alito have been canceled until further notice.

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