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Be Careful When Fucking the Elderly (literally)

July 26, 2007 at 1:57 am · Filed under Opinion, People, Society

by: Mark Garrison

It is now being reported that there is a silent epidemic in this country. No, not the ignorance of the masses on presidential policy, but the danger that the elderly pose in the form of spreading AIDS. Even though their vaginas feel like ten year old Brillo pads and they smell like a mix of death and Geritol, the government is now spending untold amounts of money giving them AIDStests and condoms.

Here’s the link to the news article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19959731/

Yes, that’s right, the American media and government’s latest concern is for the millions of Americans that have sex with the elderly on a regular basis. I’m married, so my days of senseless sexual escapades with geriatric patients are long gone, but I’m fairly certain that the most important “silent epidemic”, health related or not, is not catching AIDS from a senior citizen.

As a matter of fact, I would be more concerned about catching AIDS from that midget stripper I fucked on a donkey at my friends bachelor party last week. I mean, um, never mind.

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About the Author

Mark Garrison

Mark Garrison decided to become a writer so that he could inspire children to learn. At least that was his intention before starting to write about homicidal hippos, stinky strippers, and gay sock monkeys. His work has appeared or is forthcoming in The Phat Phree, Monkeybicycle, National Lampoon, CollegeHumor, RooftopComedy, SparkLife, TheSpoof, DeadBrain, IGotNewsForYou, and he hopes to soon be a household name everywhere with the exception of Djibouti.

Comments

Master Cricket said,

July 26, 2007 @ 2:02 am

I like how they have the expert come in and say things like “Sex doesn’t end at 32.”

Are they trying to say that AIDS is over and that all we have to worry about is the older people who might have it?

Why don’t we pay for their medication instead? Why don’t we pay for my medication instead? I have diabetes for crying out loud! Shouldn’t I get a little help since I die if I can’t afford my medicine?

But yeah, anyways…thanks for the warning Mark. I will be careful.

Susan Scherr said,

July 26, 2007 @ 9:03 pm

Expert reporting aside, I am disturbed by the amount of forethought Mark must have put into the narrative about elderly vagina’s etc… or still more disturbing, that actual experience may have assisted him in oooo blech that is just too gross to lallalalalalalalllaaalalalalalala I see pretty pictures of Mark fucking his gorgeous wife in my head…

OK now I’m better. Seriously dude, gross.

Mark Garrison said,

July 27, 2007 @ 11:17 am

Susan, thanks for the testimonial.

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