(satire disclaimer) After causing many upset stomachs at the recent Video Music Awards, Britney Spears, according to inside sources, will no longer be allowed to pick out her own outfits before a show. Her manager said at a meeting of concerned friends and Spears’ investors that someone else will dress her so that we can avoid another “fat pig” incident.

“We were all shocked at the events that unfolded. But we can not dwell in the past, and must look toward the future.” Spears’ Manager said. “That is why I have hired a staff of 10 dedicated souls to watch Britney at all times. When she grabs something to wear, it will instantly be ripped off her, and new more concealing clothes will replace them. This will keep her fat in, while still allowing her to go into the public. We can still all make a lot of money off this honey.”

Die hard Spears fans are upset that their idol is being restricted.

“She is so wonderful and I think she can do what she wants. I mean, the whole thing about the VMA was to show how beautiful birth can be, and how you can still flaunt it after you pop one out.” Elementary school child Sarah McDavids said. “I know that mommy worked hard after my brother, and she still looked like a tub tub.”

The lucky few that get to make sure Spears doesn’t pick out anything to wear also are getting paid a hefty $200,000 a year, more than most Americans make in a lifetime (or at least what I will make in my lifetime). They also get to drive their own Spearsmobile, featuring a CD player that plays only Britney CDs at high volume.

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