Just so you know, sometimes I fart. Farts happen to some people, and it is generally considered a natural body process by many scientists (just ask one). Sure, I know that I could reduce the amount and loudness, but I am not ashamed. I refused to eat beano, I refuse to stop eating beans/eggs/etc, and I refuse to squeeze when I feel one a-coming, just for your personal pleasure of watching me suffer from a rumble below.

Farts are not all glam and glory. In fact, they can sometimes cause real life problems, that don’t seem to have a solution other than the beano, beanless, squeeze method. For example the other day I wanted to go to a tripped out hippie party wearing my brand new color changing mood pants. I even had the things tailored so that they cupped my crotch just right, and didn’t drag on the ground.

Just before we left, I let one go. I would say it was a small one, others might call it a medium. Everyone agrees it wasn’t a mammoth of a wind, but it wasn’t something to let go of in church. Before I could even enjoy the relief, my friends had their fingers extended, pointing at my ass, and laughing in that please be offended because you have a green dot on your ass.

I turned to look to see my purple pants turning a shade of red, and a large green splotch where my fart had heated up the fabric.

Green?!? Of all the colors it could have possibly turned, I would have picked red at the far color. I mean, my farts can be pretty hot. I guess from the journey out of my ass the gas cooled down enough to turn it green.

So I got rid of the pants. They just don’t really match my style.

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