Before Orange County auto repair shop owner Brandi Hertmen was sentenced to one year in a state prison on Monday for scamming clients, she told a judge that she’s really not that scheming cracker ass bitch that her victims make her out to be.

“I’m really not that bad of a red neck,” Brandi Hertmen told Judge Blake Dentoni. “Everyone who brought their cars to me really did need a new engine, transmission, all four brakes, front and back windshield, and complete electrical re-wiring.”

The judge handed down a one year verdict and five years of community service for ten felony counts of defrauding a retarded man, a preacher, a Korean War veteran, a Vietnam veteran, an Iraq War veteran, a disabled 9/11 widow, an elderly woman, a legless child, a penisless retired porn star, and a decapitated Aids patient. Brandi pleaded guilty on all charges except the one that says she urinated in the 9/11 widow’s gas tank, she actually defecated in it. She will start serving the jail term immediately following the graduation of her daughter from Bartending College.

Before agreeing to a plea bargain, Brandi was facing 57 counts of fraud and could have been sentenced to 500 years in prison after being caught on video replacing car engines with basted hams by KCBC investigative reporter Kent Jacobs.

She has been ordered to pay over $58,000 in restitution to the victims, most of which has already been paid in the form of sexual favors and various baked goods, according to her lawyer Howard Nichols.

Some of the victims were Brandi’s own family and friends including her cracker ass bastard son Brandon Ballsey. Brandon brought in his 1975 Ford truck for an oil change and his mother fraudulently stated that her son’s truck was actually a giraffe and promptly recommended having the vehicle converted back to a Ford truck citing the ever increasing costs of giraffe ownership. Brandon promptly paid his mother the requested $4,000 and his mother proceeded to place a sheet over the “giraffe,” wave a tire iron as if it was a magic wand and say abracadabra. She then removed the sheet and to the amazement of Brandon, his “giraffe” was “converted” back to a truck.

Brandi stated that she wants to send a message to any other crackers in the auto repair business who are thinking of taking advantage of their customers. “Don’t tell people that their cars are actually animals or alien spacecraft,” Brandi told reporters and a small crowd outside the courtroom.

In addition to her son, Brandi also scammed her neighbor into purchasing four new tires for her new car. “She told me that my car needed new tires. I didn’t know what to do. I kind of thought something wasn’t right when she replaced the tires on my car with wagon wheels” said 74 year old idiot Marie Carver.

“It was really hard defending a woman as white as Brandi” explained her lawyer. “I mean, we all love Nascar and Keystone beer but there is only so much people can take.”

Instead, her lawyer attempted to defend her saying that several stressful events in the recent past contributed to her behavior. Nichols cites a recently failed sex change operation and clitoral reduction as possible causes.

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