Subject: The rest of my life
From: Your FORMER corporate slave
Date: First day of the rest of my life!
To: FORMER captor (Tom in logistics)

They say that a man can only be so lucky, but I received the most important emails of my life today. Not only am I being personally requested to handle an $80,000,000 inheritance transaction for a cocoa/gold/oil farm widower from Congo, but I have been randomly selected out of over 500,000,000 emails to receive Norway’s biggest lump sum lottery prize of over $75,000,000,000,000. I’M RICH BIOTCH!

I just made more money in one minute than I’ll ever make with your company. The first thing I’m going to do is buy your daughter! That’s right! I’m gonna walk right up to her and ask her if she’s ever seen the Congo sunset before. Hopefully she’ll say no and then say yes to a new life. And since I ALSO got an email for a free six month supply of Dick Bigger brand penis pills, that bitch is gonna be walking like she just had an abortion Tom! How you like me now!

$7,500,080,000,000 is a lot money, even to a corporate money bags like you Tom. I’m not even gonna work here anymore but I’m still gonna drive up in a Lambo and park in YOUR fucking spot. And when you send security out there to tell me to move it, I’ll have my new friends throw him out of a plane over the Congo jungle. I bet you didn’t think I had that in me did you Tom?! Well, financial freedom does a lot for a man’s balls.

You know, I would’ve loved to meet the late Marah Abidjan Tsikadedi (seen on right). This man of Congo spent fifty years ensuring his family had a nest egg should anything like his unfortunate hippo bludgeoning incident happen, something this company wouldn’t know anything about. I bet if I was killed in the jungle you’d roast my body and serve it in the break room. Your idea of taking care of your employees is a raise each year equal to the length of your dick in cents. ZING!

I didn’t even have to spend a penny to win this fortune Tom. It’s almost like the stars aligned perfectly with my email box and provided me with the answer to all my wishes. Yeah, that sounded gay, I just wanted to make sure you can understand this. Zing X two!

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’m gonna run through this $$7,500,080,000,000 like your stripper and Vicodin money. Well fuck you Tom, even if I do spend it all on pills and bitches, I’ve had a back up source of income for some time now. I really don’t plan on working anymore but if I need to I will. This company out of LONDON (you feel like a little bitch now don’t you!) saw my old resume on Monster and hired me two months ago for their Account Transfer position. All I do is accept large packages and money orders from overseas, cash the money orders, and then mail the packages to a P.O. Box in Jamaica. They let me keep 10% of the amount on the money order. Yeah, you’re jealous. You’re just mad that you’re not driving an 07 V-Dub with 17 inch wheels like I am bitch.

Man the rich life is gonna be sweet. I think I’m gonna buy Jenna Jameson and line her pussy with gold. Then I’ll line my penis with electric conducting sheep skin and power my house with the electricity. OH MY GOD! That was an amazing invention. There’s one more way to make money should I spend my fortune on Norwegian anal virgins.

I have also called the owners about buying the original Love Boat, General Lee, KITT, Batmobile, Munster Drag-U-La, and A Team van so I can fuck Belladonna the porn star in the ass in all of them and then sell them for charity. The “Tom Can Suck My Dick Foundation!”

I almost didn’t even check my email. With all of the crap going on these days you never know who you can trust. Luckily, these men are men of honor. I already got my confirmation email for both deals and all I need to do is mail over my bank account numbers, original social security card and birth certificate, two forms of ID, and a signed power of attorney. Hold that thought, there’s some swat looking guys banging on my door. They’re probably my new bodyguards. Oh shit.

		Save This Page