(satire disclaimer) Las Vegas - Federal health officials decided on Wednesday to approve the “morning-before pill,” a controversial new form of birth control for over the counter sales.

The new pill, known as Plan-B-Minus will also be available for girls 8 to 17 years old without the need for a doctor’s excuse.

The decision is seen as a major win for sluts and horny men everywhere which say that eliminating obstacles would cut in third America’s 45,000,000 unplanned nights alone watching porn and eating peanut butter off a spoon.

The morning-before pills are a concentrated dose of “God knows what,” and if taken exactly 69 hours before whorish behavior, can prevent the female from making bad sexual decisions. The pill works by altering the woman’s genome and creating a vagina gremlin that pops out at the first sign of a woman’s desire to go out that night.

The vagina gremlin excretes himself out of the woman’s vagina the morning before a big night and proceeds to try and talk sense into the woman. The vagina gremlin is genetically programmed to discuss such sexual dangers as AIDS, STDs, and screaming bundles of failed abortion.

If the vagina gremlin fails to talk the woman out of having unprotected sex, he crawls back into the woman’s vagina and awaits the first sign of potential hook up. If insertion is unavoidable, the gremlin is equipped with a super strong rubber band that he is programmed to fasten onto the male’s jibble in order to prevent jizz injection.

A reported breakthrough with the morning before pill is it’s apparent lack of serious side effects. The only known side effects of Plan-B-Minus are eye herpes, belly button bleeding, random break dancing, uncontrollable slapping, and in certain rare cases, pregnancy.

But this latest weapon in the war on sperm has not arrived without controversy. Local Christian leaders are outraged that something like Plan-B-Minus is available at all. “Emergency contraception is like drop kicking Jesus in the nut sack” said Rev. David Hoosier of the Jesus Church of Latter Day Jesuses. Shortly after making that comment, Rev. Hoosier looked at his five daughters and four sons and changed his statement to, “All females should be given Plan-B-Minus.”

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