Everyone claims that they think school age children shouldn’t be shot to death. Most people feel that Scarface era automatic weapons with grenade launchers don’t set a good example for school children. But not everyone agrees with new legislation that recently passed both the House and the Senate that will replace these items with flower shooting slingshots.

The new law which goes into effect immediately upon signature by the President, bans all semi and automatic weapons, knives (including butter type), and large throwable rocks in light of recent tragedies including the Virginia Massacre. The bill also bans all Koreans from purchasing the aforementioned items, or attending college in the United States.

Current law allows many adults, including psychopathic bi-polar schizophrenics, to purchase firearms so long as they sign a notice stating that their intended purchase does not involve murder or inserting the firearm into their own anus for sexual pleasure.

While many Americans are outraged by the recent legislation, some are pleased by their long fought victory against Constitutional rights. Terry Youngman of Providence Rhode Island told us that, “People don’t need guns. The only people that need guns are the military so they can protect us from the evil Muslims.”

While flower shooting slingshots may not seem like a decent self defense weapon, many naturalists are already talking about the different types of poisonous flowers that could be used as ammunition. For instance, some scientists are warning that hard core gun enthusiasts could buy up large quantities of Yellow Oleanders which can cause slight eye irritation, or in a worst case scenario, stomach cramps if aimed directly at the persons mouth right when they are swallowing something.

One of the many groups not particularly pleased by this bill is of course the NRA. Upon hearing the news that the bill had passed, former NRA president Charlton Heston reportedly burned his flower garden and threw a grenade at his neighbor’s house. Fortunately his Alzheimer’s ensured that the grenade was just a bottle of mayonnaise.

Other opponents of the ban claim that it will hurt attendance at school and sporting events. They argue that many people enjoy the excitement of possibly being gunned down and a ban on firearms takes away the “dare devil” element of attending public gatherings.

Sen. Hillary R. Clinton, the bill’s sponsor, said, “This piece of legislation will pave the way to a safer America.” When asked about the idea that criminals will no doubt ignore the ban thus leaving law abiding citizens the only ones without firearms, Sen. Clinton hopped on her unicorn, played a quick tune on her mini-flute, flipped her hair in the wind, and rode away to the land of gum drops and chocolate springs.

According to a recent study by Texas A&M University, more than 100% of murder victims who were shot died from bullet wounds. It’s this realization coupled with a seemingly never ending overall fear of our fellow man that appears to have pushed the gun control debate to center stage for the last time.

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