(I had a dream the onion) and Watching People Sleeping, the Queries…

Little Cute Cakes

By: Pumpkin Escobar Okay bitches, so I was all browsing through that stats page thing that only Levi knows about, and I noticed that our dope ass website attracts a lot of really fucked up people. More than like Rotten.com probably…which is a lot. So anyway, I thought it was pertinent to the future of our website to review this list so that we can come up with stories more suitable for our audience. We’ve been receiving several complaints from our readers lately, demanding that we find something more diverse to talk about. Like, as if drugs and vagina and drugs aren’t cool enough. Whatever. So to appease our more bitchy audience members, we’ve reviewed our list and will now bring it to your attention. For those of you who don’t know how this works, the following is a list of phrases that were entered into search engines. All the pages of CricketSoda are listed in all the popular search engines like Google and Yahoo. People search for something like zolaonaol, and they find our story about Zola the AIM robot. Or if they search for like “ILLEGAL KITTY PORN,” this article will pop up somewhere. Most of these people weren’t necessarily looking for Cricketsoda, but their search queries were their destiny… and now, those sad bastards have seen our secret archives of arcane stoner knowledge. Our most popular search was for the word “anorexic.” 21 people in this world were desperately trying to fix their lives, browsing the internet for ways to start eating again…and they were unfortunately directed here. I hope they didn’t kill themselves yet. They’d love their lives again if they stuck around long enough to realize we’re twice as sick as they’ll ever even think about being.

1 0.77% 6 year old jam food poisoning (See: Six Year Old Food Jam Poisoning on our stories page.)
1 0.77% aol computers like zola (Do the math… seriously…)
1 0.77% bitch comic (bitch please)
1 0.77% bitch on (bitch what?)
1 0.77% bunny with a pancake (is that 14?)
1 0.77% cop finger (I fingered a cop once. It was a Mexican cop though, so it got me out of jail and shit.)
1 0.77% cricket soda (shameless self promotion!)
1 0.77% cyber with online robot (you can do that…..? holy shit hombre.)
1 0.77% determine old food (white people are weird)
1 0.77% do you know any robots that can chat on aol (People seriously need to learn how to make friends. Our readers are like… really lonely, and that’s sad…)
1 0.77% dumb comics (You can definitely find this at Cricketsoda…)
1 0.77% fat off (Fat off? FAT OFF? WTF IS FAT OFF? IS THAT SOME SORT OF RACIAL SLUR, WHITEY?!?)
1 0.77% finger cop (So this one time I got pulled over… what? I already told this story? Pass me the crack.)
1 0.77% fornicate (Deal. Won’t even ask you your name.)
1 0.77% funny high school newspaper columns (haha, high.)
1 0.77% ground beef in fridge for 5 days (hahaha… me and Levi got into a fistfight over ground beef being in the fridge for too long…)
1 0.77% help i can’t stop eating yummy food (roflmaopip)
1 0.77% how to be a player (Again, this person came to the right place. We are straight thuggin, boo.)
1 0.77% how to write a music bio for a talent scout (This sad bastard came to the WRONG place.)
1 0.77% i had a dream the onion (Hashanah. That’s the new name of my band. I had a dream the onion. COMING TO A PLACE NEAR YOU!!!!! With their first single, Hashanah. Dude. That’s cool. We are rock.)
1 0.77% i’m a little dinosaur (aww.)
1 0.77% i’m.a.little.dinosaur (Seriously. Aww.)
1 0.77% kiss my husband (I wish it said “Kill my husband.”)
1 0.77% lesbian sluts (Brandon’s girlfriend is a lesbian slut.)
1 0.77% letter to the editor (We never get these. That makes this heart sad.)
1 0.77% levi Blackman (Lana has a crush on levi.)
1 0.77% levi freestyle (hahaha… Levi freestyles rock. Especially when you’re drunk from a half gallon of Vodka.)
1 0.77% levi (K-I-S-S-I-N-G)
1 0.77% list of instant messenger robots (yeah way, if any of you find this list, email me the ones that cyber and shit.)
1 0.77% make sense of web logs (Is this fool talking about like when you stare at your dumps and try to figure out how they pertain to your the meaning of life and all that ethereal shit?)
1 0.77% pancake bunny’ (I can’t believe this pancake bunny thing got so popular. It’s just a picture of a fucking bunny, wait, not like a bunny having sex, but a fucking bunny with a pancake on top of it. idioths.)
1 0.77% pancake bbunny (I spelt bbunny wrong.)
1 0.77% pheromones bacteria (ew gross, that’s that shit that grows on girls if they leave the tampon in too long and shit, right? Oh wait, that’s Smegma. I mean Toxic Shock Syndrome. Gross.)
1 0.77% pictures of people sleeping (Okay. This one right here is what motivated me to write this. WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE YOU!?!?!)
1 0.77% riddle: i have a light side and a dark side and i hold the univ (You lose at life. You came to a website called Cricketsoda to find out something meaningful.)
1 0.77% ripley’s tomato picture (Tomato Tomahto)
1 0.77% robots i can talk to online and add to my buddy list like zola (Don’t forget to fuckin email me, idioths)
1 0.77% short things that make sense (I almost thought this was a search for Crissy… but she doesn’t make sense most of the time.)
1 0.77% talk to zola (I have. She doesn’t cyber with brown folk.)
1 0.77% talk to zolaonaol (Is she cooler than Zola?)

So the consensus is this: Our readers are really fucked up. I just wanted you guys to know that.

WRITE SOME SHIT TO MAKE ME LAUGH, IDIOTHS!

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