The coming generation is beginning to frighten me. I’m sure it’s a common fear, but embarking into the unknown personally scares the shit out of me.It’s funny, almost as much as it is scary, when you look at history and the way our society’s evolved. I can’t even begin to imagine how our culture can develop any further than it already has, for the better. Our trends have only been mimicking the trends of earlier generations, and nothing new (beside the pacifier-wearing rave-gear) has really surfaced since I can remember. We’ve worn out the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, and Minnie Pearl styles… so will we actually be forced to invent a new standard for what looks, is, and seems…should I say… cool? rad? dope? ill?

Grunge was the last semi-creative movement I’ve seen as a growing boy, pop culture wise. Unless you count homosexuality…which I personally don’t. The “popular” fad now seems to be innocence lost - as seen through Britney Spears, Christina Sluterrhoera or… whatever…, and Justin Timberlake. 2003, we revel in children becoming barely legal sex symbols. In 2008 will we turn children INTO sex symbols? I most definitely hope not. And fashion… I guess fashion hasn’t changed, conceptually… Dressing like a slut has been hip for decades now… changing only in method. Right now, the sophisticated whore look seems to be the sexiest… Before, it was the skort-whore, spaghetti-strap whore, denim-whore, blonde-whore, catholic-whore aka Britney-whore, nationality-confused whore aka Christina whore, and the infamous coke-whore of the early 90’s. History proves that whores will still be hip In 2008, but will they be completely naked in 2008? God I hope so. And what about music? Styles change in all genres. Creed already destroyed our generation of alternative music with their minions of Lifehouse and other copy bands, and now that they’ve faded out, what horrific fuckwit band will come to destroy us next year? By 2008, that Backstreet Boy’s little brother should be close to hitting puberty… and if the children sex symbol trend really does catch in… God only knows where our music industry will be. It’s a terrifying thing to think about, really.

And now that I’m in college, I’m supposed to be there to find MY way of bettering the world? I don’t want to be even remotely responsible for how fucked up our world’s going to be. We’ll have cloned sheep running whore-houses, whores running back-alley sheep cloning institutes, and both will be completely naked and chasing children… It’ll be a mad world, I tell you… and Jesus Christ… I’m being sent out to save this god-forsaken world. How am I, little scrawny aspiring English major, supposed to feel as though I’m doing something positive for the world when it’s in a condition like that? I want to be an English teacher… but I can’t focus on teaching syntax and archetypal imagery to kids who go home, get naked, and act as goddamn sex symbols. It’s a mad world, I tell you.

My solution is simple. First, we need to vote a female African American into the Oval Office. She’ll tell us how it is. Black girls always do that (yay black girls). She’ll tell us flat out to say no to sheep-cloning, and she’ll encourage white boys to make good music so black boys can collaborate with them and earn suburb AND street credit. She’ll have an appreciation for bands such as Aerosmith, Dave Matthews Band, and Michael Jackson… and that will solve our music crisis. She’ll also disapprove of the pedophilia because she’s nearing her mid-life crisis and needs to feel beautiful to be a good President. That’s just the way it always works out. And on the brightest note, she’ll incorporate “Ebonics,” and “Rhythm” courses into all public curriculums. Talk about an era of prosperity.

Second, we need to stop eating fast food so much. Imagine how fat your wife’s going to be. Yuck.

Third, we need to eradicate the existence of idiots. It’ll just make things work a lot smoother. If we can talk some of their rolemodels (such as Carrot Top, Newt Gingrich, and Vanilla Ice) into offing themselves, we can only pray the lemming affect wipes across our nation like the West Nile virus and SARS. A world without morons, would be a world of good driving, negative pregnancy tests, and self-serve Walmart lines.

Lastly, to ensure a world devoid of nymphomaniacal sheep, we just need to keep listening to good music like Radiohead, watch good movies like the Matrix, and enjoy today for what it is and isn’t. If we can all just go ahead and do that… I think we’ll be okay.

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