Diamond Nipples and Running Shorts

At the time of this writing, its winter here in Texas. Also at the time of this writing, its so fucking cold I crack open a diamond with my nipple.

I want it YUM!

I’m personally not used to this kind of temperature. I have a tough time handling the cold. It kicks up my asthma and makes streaking through the Albertson’s parking lot virtually impossible. It is a nice change of pace from the undying heat that is the rest of the year. However there is one thing that I hate more than anything about the cold… And it has to do with a certain group of people who use this season to make me and many others feel like total shit.

Thats fat people.

Everytime a fat person sees me shivering, hugging myself to keep warm, or preparing to hallow out somebody’s dog to wear as a coat, the rotund bastard will go out of his or her way to come up to me and act completely and totally condescending.

“Hey there Twiggy… hmmm… looks like your pretty cold there. Weeeellll I guess you never heard the story of the grasshopper and the ant.”

“Once upon a time there lived a grasshopper and an ant. Now before winter the grasshopper spent all his time partying and sleeping with crickets that the ant liked but didnt feel confident enough to ask out. The grasshopper would wear one layer of clothing and hang out with all of his beautiful friends like the butterfly who stood the ant up at prom night then pretended like she didn’t even know anything about it.

The ant on the other hand, stayed at home, and ate everything he could find, non stop gorging on pancakes, hot dogs, cookie dough and Dr. Pepper. He saw through the pointlessness of going to parties and having friends, instead finding true friendship and solice within the Star Wars universe and Battlestar Galactica. Everything the ant ever needed to know he learned from a Vulcan.

Then when winter rolled around the skinny little grasshopper froze to death, and all the hot crickets came over to the ants house and, impressed with the ant’s collection of 80’s saturday morning cartoon memorabilia, made raging, passionate love to the ant who was more than able to keep them warm and satisfied with 3 1/2 inches of curved lightsabre.”

Fat people always look prepared for winter, like they’ve been waiting all this time to finally come out and show the rest of us “Hey bitches.. look who can still wear a tank top.” Is that really necessary? I never once remember going up to that guy and saying “Raise your hand if you can see your genitals!” Then raising my hand as I watch the bastard weep all over his buttered chili dog.

I mean don’t they realize that it hurts? Its like in winter, I’m an outsider to them because I get start shivering uncontrollably, like that gives them the right to press their stomachs and asses up against the window as they pass me in their vans yelling “EAT A PIE BIATCH!” or “SHADE IN THE SUMMA, HEAT IN DA WINTA!”

In this “advaned” society, why is that skinny healthy people are still being ridiculed by fat people. I guess theres nothing I can do now. The only real solice I have is the fact that I have all those hot crickets to sleep with.

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