Now 99.8% free of H5N1

(satire disclaimer) Atlanta, GA - Kentucky Fried Chicken announced today that they will be introducing a new “Bird Flu Free” fried chicken to the public to curb fears over Avian Flu. Since 1939, Colonel Sanders has given people all over the world Kentucky Fried Chicken, featuring that famous secret blend of herbs and spices. Since then, billions of people have come to love this unique chicken. However, with the world wide concern over bird flu, this fried chicken Goliath has to find new ways to bring in customers and keep the ones they have.

With the entire world literally pissing their pants over Avian Flu (H5N1, Bird Flu, The Apocalypse), David Novak, CEO of KFC’s parent company, Yum! is launching this new campaign with the hope of calming the public. Said David Novak, “We would like to assure the public that this new chicken is guaranteed to be 99.8% free of Bird Flu, the deadly apocalyptic zombie virus that will annihilate millions.” Novak made this announcement while dressed in a chicken suit and eating a large bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

KFC was going to place mind altering drugs in their fried chicken to calm people’s nerves but they then discovered that Church’s Fried Chicken already held that patent.

Ensuring people that something they eat isn’t going to cause them death or serious bodily injury helps a businesses bottom line. “Avian Flu is bad, but not being able to buy a new yacht, an anatomically correct Ryan Seacrest doll, 5 new trained monkeys, the soon to be released brain implant iPod, and the entire Golden Girls DVD collection is horrible.” said David Novak.