Gigantic stone babies expected soon

(satire disclaimer)In a shocking, last minute development, the U.S. National Park Service announced that the Statue of Liberty would marry the Brazilian “Christ the Redeemer” statue in a private ceremony. The marriage is said to forever commemorate the connection between warm blooded Patriotic Americans and their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

“We could think of no better way to mark this July Fourth than with the joining of these huge iconic figures in matrimony” said National Park Service spokesman Dave Barna. “Yet we also want to assure the entire world that this is in no way a publicity stunt designed to shed light on the importance of Christian values in American society. This is definitely not that.”

While most people would agree that fireworks and a few Star Spangled Banners is plenty of assurance, this gesture is certain to make a longer lasting impression. “I think it’s great” said Alabama resident Bill Foley. “Nothing says America more than Lady Liberty and Jesus getting hitched”.

The Catholic Church is not surprisingly less thrilled with this announcement. “For the last time, Jesus can’t marry a woman. He couldn’t do it then and he can’t do it now. He had no belly button and therefore had no penis,” stated Father Michael Beffinger of the New York Archdiocese. “Without a penis, a man cannot marry, it says so right there in the New Testament.”

While very few details of this highly secret wedding are available, it has been leaked that illusionist Criss Angel will teleport Lady Liberty to Brazil where the two will be married by a statue of Pope John Paul II. Immediately following the wedding they will then be whisked away to the Grand Canyon where the marshmallow man will be used as a bed for purposes of marriage consummation .

Many people are debating what the children of these two figures would look like, however there is wide speculation that their son would resemble Pat Robertson and their daughter would look something like Ann Coulter without a penis.

		Save This Page