In what many are saying is a “dream come true,” a Bush Resignation Speech hit many Bit Torrent download websites, sparking rumors of a new era without Bushisms. CricketSoda now presents that speech in its entirety.

“Good morning. I know it’s a bit unusual for an early morning oval office show but I really wanted to get this going. I have spoken to you several times from this office where so many decisions have been made that effect the universe. Every time I talk to you folks, it’s for a very important reason. This afternoon, um, evening, uh, morning is no different.

Of all the decisions I have been forced to make in my ten years as your president, I have always attempted to try my best to speak clearly and make my point heard. Throughout the long and difficult road of Bushgate, I felt it was my duty to stick it out and complete the one term I was actually elected to.

Recently, however, I have started to feel like people no likey me no more. Surely, people would soon attempt to bring my term to an end through the process of embreachment. For this reason I think it is best for me to do as I always have and place the decision into my own hands before anyone else has a chance to get involved.

To continue to fight for my goals even though hardly anyone agrees with me would prove to be way too Bushy. And the universe can only handle so much Bushyness before it completely collapses in on itself. For me to be responsible for not only the destruction of this planet, but for the destruction of our universe would simply be unacceptable.

We have accomplished much in the past millennium. We have eradicated polio, created penicillin, invented the car and the airplane, produced the first silent film, ensured a woman’s right to vote, created instant coffee, and cooled many warm people with the invention of the air conditioner among many other amazing accomplishments. And who can forget the invention of the crayon. Yes, the crayon, the very instrument of integrity that I am writing this speech with at this very moment.

During my century as your President, I have met billions of American citizens who wish only to live peaceful, happy lives. Though I don’t understand why they wish to do so, I have always respected their opinions. These last few decades have seen both great tragedy and great American resolve. I’d say more resolve than tragedy. Resolve is a good thing. Tragedy, not so much. I hope whoever replaces me will be full of resolve and not tragedy.

When I first took the oath of orifice more than 7 and a 1/2 years ago, I myself was full of resolvelation. It is this resolvelation that I have used to get things done during my term. Things like sending robots to Mars, some even making it there, setting fiscal world records, limiting the loss of our astronauts to two spaceships and their crews, and defeating tyrannical tyrants and silencing their terrible trumpet of terror. It is these accomplishments I wish my term to be remembered for.

I make only one pledge to you today. That as long as my anti-psychotic medications are working, I will do everything in my power to continue the legacy for which I have become known. I will make appearances at Evangelical Churches around the nation who are not led by boy kissing drug users, I will read books to our nation’s children to ensure they are made fully aware of the benefits of having a pet goat, and I will play musical instruments of all types while natural disasters plague our land in order to enhance our global position on music.

I look forward to initiating a little known part of my No Child Left Behind Act. I will devote at least one hour per week to speech therapy, for myself. I will make my rounds all over this great nation speaking about the benefits of speaking proper English. And I will do this with my sleeves rolled up, since it will be hard work.

So as the ice age is coming to a close and the rain forests are sprouting new trees, I invite you all to join me on my mission to not let this term go down in history. I would ask that all Americans write to their local encyclopedia makers, libraries, courts of record, etcetera, and ask them to not include this Presidency anywhere in their work. I really don’t want the children of tomorrow looking back on this time and forming hatred in their hearts for the relatives that voted for me. This would be counter productive, not to mention unpatriotic. Never mind, I just realized I can sign an executive order banning all memories of my Presidency, recorded, or in the mind. I think I have enough crayon left for that.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my time as your Supreme Leader. The White House is a nifty place to visit. With the aforementioned accomplishments and goals in mind, it is now time for me to prepare to move on.

Therefore, effective January 20th, 2009, I will terminate my Presidency of the United States of America. I was debating signing an executive order authorizing the abolishment of Presidential term limits therefore allowing me to remain President indefinitely but the Secretary of Science notified me that this would most likely cause every black hole in space to attack America with the force of five hundred trillion hurricane Katrinas thus breaking the levees of freedom. I couldn’t live with myself if I allowed that to occur.

I have served my Nation, but above all I have served myself. And for that I am most proud. May God’s grace be with you all, and may God bless America. Crawford, I’m coming home.”

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