Lately I’ve been running into a bit of a slump with my writing. I’m not sure if it’s the all night hooker fests I’ve been having or the all day Vicodin feasts that I enjoy along with my amazing pet hermit crabs. Whatever it is, I need to learn to focus. In order to help me get on track, I have enlisted the help of some writing exercises. Normally I would think these things are bullshit, however, my very first lesson produced one of the most amazing literary works in modern history. Wait, no, THE most amazing literary work in history, period.

The Assignment:

“You’ve finally snapped. Stress has gotten the better of you, and you can no longer think in long descriptive sentences. Write about the day you lost your mind, using sentences comprised of six words or fewer.”

The Earth Shaking Result:

Toasty toast fresh from the toaster. Too many black spots. No butter. Butter all over my pee pee. Toast tasted like poo poo. Where is my back up plan? No toast. Need toast. Have no eggs. Where is the orange juice? Orange juice on my pee pee. Why put things on pee pee? Pee pee nice thing. Toast is walking away. Must stop toast. Toast can’t get away. I put toast on pee pee. Enough room on pee pee? Yes. Enough room. Pee pee look delicious. I found the eggs. Eggs not on pee pee. Eggs in fridge. Me take eggs out of fridge. Must cook eggs. Scrambled or sunny side up? Scrambled. Me cook eggs on griddle. OUCH! Griddle hot. Eggs done. Me put eggs

on pee pee? Yes. Wait. Eggs not staying on pee pee. Eggs fall off pee pee. Eggs on floor. Toast and butter on pee pee. Hungry. Can’t reach pee pee. Trying but cannot. Pee pee too far away. Need long fork. Wish I could eat pee pee. Pee pee probably yummy. Yummy pee pee.

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