Dear Son,

It’s been a long time since we’ve written. We still don’t have a phone, so that’s why we haven’t called. As soon as I convince your father that the telephone has in fact been invented, you will be the first person I call. Please include your telephone address in your response. How are things going? I hope you are doing well. Your sister tells me that you are a writer now. How exciting! She mailed me some magazines with your articles in them. I must admit that your father and I were a bit concerned when we read about your latest invention son. “Old People Huts” designed to “house elderly family members when they become very ill or overly annoying” just seems a bit wrong Mark. After reading that, your father told me to unplug the phone as he was expecting the media to call and ask questions about you. I had to remind him that we don’t have a telephone.

Your father’s memory is a bit lacking these days. We’re still waiting for you to send us a sample of that Insta-Cure brand Alzheimer’s cream. Please send it soon, your father is forgetting which hole is the moral one.

How is that mermaid ex-girlfriend of yours doing? I read that you had a really hard time preparing her for life on land. It wasn’t your fault that her gills never made the switch to lungs. I bet it was just a humidity issue. You know the weather has been weird ever since the Earth started revolving around Mars (thanks for telling us, we don’t watch the news). Regardless, I am so sorry son. There are many more fish in the sea (your father made me say that).

Did you meet any new friends on the moon son? Your father is really looking forward to a moon rock. I wish you would have told us sooner that your friend’s mother was murdered by a moon-zombie. We would have liked to send a card or some flowers to the family but the post man wouldn’t provide me with Copernicus Crater’s zip code. When I read that you were shoveling moon dirt with her at the time of the murder, my sadness was only magnified. I certainly hope witnessing such horror has not given you nightmares like the last time.

Your father wanted me to remind you that promiscuous activities with mythical creatures are not very safe. You should really take more care in your weekend activities. Why not take up tennis or baseball? Surely that would be much more fun. If you must continue this practice your father and I kindly remind you to use protection so that you don’t father any more man-unicorns. That’s not exactly what we had in mind when we told you we wanted grandchildren.

I hope you received the sweaters I sewed for your leprechaun friends. Please let me know if they fit ok. I hope they keep your friends warm enough on their trip to Norway to slay an evil dragon on live TV. Please let me know what channel that will be on so that I may watch it. It will be very exciting to see the sweaters I made for them on television! I would record it on the VCR but it’s not working since your father tried to make toast in it last week.

Your father would like to say a few words,

Hey there Mark. You ever gonna get me a computer and teach me to use the internet? I can’t wait to shoot missiles at evil countries using Google Earth like you did. That would be nifty. I have to go pee.

Well son, that’s about it from us. Take care of yourself and come by soon.

Much Love,

Mom & Dad

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