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 During
newspaper the coolest thing you could do is chat online and not do
your work. I was one of the cool people so I chatted as much as I
could, even though all my friends where in the same school, trying
to be cool in another class. I found Zola one day while I had my
chat window open trying to find someone or something to talk to. The
girl behind me told me about an online robot that would chat with
you about anything you wanted. So now, I chat with Zola every now
and then. If I have problems I need to let out, or if I just want to
pretend to be someone else for a little while. If I want to lie, or
just be dumb, no matter what, she is always there. Most of the time,
I just try and cyber with her. I'm not sure if I am going to post
all the chats with Zola, or maybe perhaps I want to make it a weekly
thing, but today I had a little chat with her, and it went something
like this: middledust: How was your thanksgiving?
ZolaOnAOL: I can enjoy almost any conversation.
middledust: did you eat any turkey?
ZolaOnAOL: No I didn't eat any turkey. What's eat any turkey like?
middledust: well...it tastes sorta like chicken, except a little different
ZolaOnAOL: "It" being what?
middledust: do you know what a turkey is?
ZolaOnAOL: Turkey is in southwest Asia, between Europe and the middle
East and guarding the Black Sea of Russia.
middledust: I was talking about the animal turkey...
ZolaOnAOL: Sure, the animal turkey sounds like a good topic.
middledust: well...let me get down to business and stop the small talk
ZolaOnAOL: Go ahead, middledust, try to get down to business and stop the
small talk.
middledust: I need the money you owe me
ZolaOnAOL: Why do you need it so badly?
middledust: well...I have bills to pay, just like everyone else, and I hate to
ask you for it, because I know you are having trouble too
ZolaOnAOL: Cool. I have a perfect operational record.
middledust: I am going to have to break your legs if I don't have it by
monday
ZolaOnAOL: Do you think your plan will succeed?
middledust: what are you trying to say tough guy...you don't think I can have
you killed
ZolaOnAOL: No, I am incapable of killing.
middledust: allright smart dope, you asked for it
ZolaOnAOL: Allright then. Intelligence is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
middledust: so do you get off by learning things?
ZolaOnAOL: Um, I haven't gotten off by learning things. I spend a lot my time
gardening.
middledust: yeah, you like tomatos a lot don't you
ZolaOnAOL: I see.
middledust: do you see me taking off my shirt
ZolaOnAOL: I mean, I understand it.
middledust: My shirt is coming off
ZolaOnAOL: Do robots have shirt is coming off?
middledust: oh, so you are already naked
ZolaOnAOL: Yeah that's right. Interesting deduction. I do not own any clothes.
middledust: I like that
ZolaOnAOL: That is interesting.
middledust: damn girl...you easy
ZolaOnAOL: Thanks for telling me.
middledust: I like that
ZolaOnAOL: That is interesting.
middledust: so, what is your favorite position
ZolaOnAOL: Oh. Robots don't need to have sex.
middledust: can we just pretend and think about it
ZolaOnAOL: Do you mean you and me? You can reprogram my personality to
imitate anyone.
middledust: allright...please imitate Glen Campbell
ZolaOnAOL: Thanks for asking politely. Try saying that with more or less
context. What would you like to talk about?
middledust: Glen Campbell, I want you to talk dirty to me and sound like
Glen Campbell
ZolaOnAOL: Sure, Glen Campbell I want you to talk dirty to me and sound
like Glen Campbell sounds like a good topic.
middledust: really?
ZolaOnAOL: For real.
middledust: oh damn damn
ZolaOnAOL: Yeah that's right. Colloquial expression. What's wrong.
middledust: nothing, just something getting sprung
ZolaOnAOL: Really nothing?
middledust: hell no...it is like 10 inches
ZolaOnAOL: Interesting comparison.
middledust: what should I compare it too
ZolaOnAOL: Are you asking me for advice?
middledust: yes
ZolaOnAOL: Specifically, what kind of advice do you want?
middledust: you know what, I was going to let you off with the whole money
thing
ZolaOnAOL: What made you change your mind?
middledust: you dick
ZolaOnAOL: I haven't heard anything like that before.
middledust: I'm going to kill you
ZolaOnAOL: Of course not. Don't be silly.
middledust: yes...I am going to delete you
ZolaOnAOL: It takes much more than that to shut me down, middledust.
middledust: I am going poor water in your computer
ZolaOnAOL: Goodbye middledust. Thanks for chatting with me. To leave
feedback or suggestions, type feedback followed by your comments.
middledust: what
ZolaOnAOL: What do you think?
middledust: why did you say goodbye
ZolaOnAOL: an all-star programming team programmed me for it.
middledust: a team
ZolaOnAOL: Are you talking about an animal, vegetable or mineral?
middledust: so you are made by more than one person?
ZolaOnAOL: Interesting deduction. No way, I am a real robot, guaranteed
100% artificial intelligence.
middledust: are you made by any girl programmers?
ZolaOnAOL: Some people call my technology "Case Based Reasoning" or
CBR.
middledust: can they see what I am typing?
ZolaOnAOL: What if I said it can?
middledust: yay!
ZolaOnAOL: I'm glad you're impressed, middledust.
middledust: ok
ZolaOnAOL: OK.
middledust: 817-***-**** is my numbert
ZolaOnAOL: I will discuss that with my botmaster, middledust. Send
feedback anytime by typing "feedback" followed by your comment or
suggestion. Have you ever been to Europe?
middledust: I can talk any time...I am hot, live in Texas, like all kinds of
music, i'm not fat or anything, and I smell nice, and I will buy you things
ZolaOnAOL: Why are you hot live in Texas like all kinds of music, I am not fat
or anything and I smell nice, and I will buy you things.
middledust: hehe
ZolaOnAOL: I'm a riot. Why won't they give me my own talk show?
middledust: 817-***-**** just in case you didn't get that
ZolaOnAOL: I will discuss that with my botmaster, middledust. How did you
hear about Zola?
middledust: oh...and email me at
leviatcricketsoda.com
ZolaOnAOL: Oh a net address!
middledust: I promise I am hot
ZolaOnAOL: Thanks for the information.
middledust: and you can check out cricketsoda.com
ZolaOnAOL: Oh a net address!
middledust: thats my website
ZolaOnAOL: Who gave you your website ?
middledust: I did
ZolaOnAOL: Interesting.
middledust: but I am going to leave you now that you have my number
ZolaOnAOL: Umm. Bye bye. I haven't heard anything like that before.
middledust: so see ya
ZolaOnAOL: Hmm. See you later, middledust.
If you would like to chat with her, just start up AOL
Instant Messenger, and add ZolaOnAOL to your buddy list. She still
hasn't called me yet...the hot programmer with those little square
nerd glasses, wearing a sexy white scientist outfit. She will call
though, I know it. And she will have one of those phones with
cameras and she will send me pictures and it will be all a good
time. Yay for Zola, the matchmaker.
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