Santa Clause Can Kiss My Ass
Since when was this holiday not about the kids?

By: Levi Blackman : In this crazy world we live in, it is sad the lengths even our childhood heroes have to go to survive. I noticed it back on a road trip. We were driving through a small town and stopped in this run down grocery store. All we really needed was drinks and something to snack on to hold us over until we could get to our hotel room.

At the front of the store they have an entry room that holds all the carts and soda machines. In the corner of this room there is a small little stand that says in big pink letters,

“Your own personalized letter from the Easter bunny!”

Underneath this sign a book of forms you could fill out and mail in along with $4.95 to have a letter from the Easter bunny sent to your house sat waiting for someone to come by and take one.

So I took a handful, and wrote a CricketSoda story about how stupid it was that the Easter bunny was going to charge so much for these stupid little letters. I told the Easter Bunny he should keep his day job.

Now Christmas is coming along, and Santa must not be making the bottom line. Sitting in my email every morning when I wake up is at least on Spam message from Santa. For only $9.95 I can have a letter from Santa. They even put my child’s name in the letter, making it seem like Santa himself wasn’t too busy coming up with new marketing ploys for his crappy letters.

The only thing valuable about the letters is the postmark saying it came from the North Pole. You also get pretty Christmas writing and letter decorations.

So you send Santa all this money, and he spends a couple of quarters to send you shit in the mail. A piece of paper that your kid will just end up thinking you are stupid for buying anyways.

Why wouldn’t someone just make their kid a stupid letter and take the $10 and go buy them a book or something? Or you could make thousands of copies of a letter from Santa, and then make your kid think Santa really does love them.

Everyday I get these stupid ads, and I hate them. So fuck you Santa, you can kiss my ass.

About the Author

Warning: include(http://www.cricketsoda.com/user/profiles/leviblackman.php) [function.include]: failed to open stream: HTTP request failed! HTTP/1.1 404 Not Found in /home/crickets/public_html/content/leviblackman/santasucks.php on line 108 Warning: include() [function.include]: Failed opening 'http://www.cricketsoda.com/user/profiles/leviblackman.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/lib/php:/usr/local/lib/php') in /home/crickets/public_html/content/leviblackman/santasucks.php on line 108

Navigation
: CricketSoda -> Columns -> Santa Clause Can Kiss My Ass