Local Band Rocks but Forgets to Roll
Local Band Rocks but Forgets to Roll
Local band Screaming Nectar Suckling Tits on Whore Street were criticized by many after their show last week were they left out the roll the entire show as a statement against domestic violence. Many patrons of the event said they didn’t care about domestic violence, because they were all 13 – 18 years old, and saved money all week just to be able to get in.
“I really wanted to rock and roll tonight, and I walked a long way to do it.” Josh, a high school slacker stated. “I liked the rock and all, but the roll was gone and it left this big hole in the music. They filled this hole with domestic violence and it just made for a shitty night. I won’t be telling my friends about this one!”
The band told reporters at a meeting after the show that they wanted to try something experimental, and are disappointed that it didn’t go over so well because it really came from the heart.
“Nah man, nah.” Lead singer Joe Leblance said.
Screaming Nectar Suckling Tits on Whore Street could not be reached for comment, but their manager said they would be playing a house party next week. It’s byob but they are going to hire many strippers.
Students Call for 9/11 Kindling
Buildings and Planes Friends Again
Two students out of their minds on LSD dressed up in building and plane costumes and went around campus pretending to make love to each other. The plane was then covered in fake blood, and the words love, peace, and chicken grease written on the administration buildings main courtyard.
Look what the terrorists did to my car ->
Administrators at “Local College USA” say they are outraged and wish the students could be just a little bit more sensitive to the feelings of those effected by the horrific 9/11 thing.
“We get the statement, planes and buildings should be friends. We agree, that is why we are trying to kill as many people as possible as a country. Together, we can take out enough to really make a difference.” University strong man Roger said. “We just sold our English department to the army; they are going to turn it into a recruiting station. Now our core includes an army class where they try to get you to join the army three times a week for an hour. Most people crack.”
Pirates Club Wins “Yar Har” Contest
A local band of pirates took the grand prize in the international “Yar Har” contest. During the contest competitors were forced to face hard conditions at sea, sword fight after sword fight, and our local pirates come out on top with 4,500 POE and 45 Doubloons.
The contest consisted of three rounds. The first round the pirates met at the local pub and played suicide hearts. If you lose, you walk the plank, or in modern pirate talk, swallow a hand full of pills. The second round had the pirates setting sail to rape and pillage merchant ships and cruise liners. Pillage enough ships and get a cut of the booty as soon as you come back to your island. The last round all the pirates fought over the booty until they died or got to tired to fight anymore.
“Yar, ye just glad I could do me part for the local community.” Head Pirate Greg said.
