Local man Rodney Mcparkerson resolved to enjoy life more this year. The past few years have been hard on Mcparkerson, and he has become more depressed, leaving the house less and sleeping the days away. He wanted a new fresh start, so he could actually do something with his life instead of sulk in his bedroom. Sadly, after only three days of the new year, Mcparkerson has broken his New Years Resolution, and has locked himself in his room watching reruns of Mash.

“Go away!” Mcparkerson said. “I don’t care about my stupid resolution. Life sucks and you know it. Banging on my freaking door isn’t making things any better. Tell my mom if she would have loved me more this never would have happened!”

Mcparkerson broke down behind the door.

“I just wanted to drive trains across the country. Then I got fat and upset that no one would marry me and now look at what I have become. An unemployed mooch living off a failing website playing video games all day.” his sobs grew louder. “I even have hair growing out of my big toe just like a fucking monkey!”

Mcparkerson’s mother didn’t want to talk to us, but her press agent told us that she would like to see her son more, but she isn’t going to spend all day trying to make him feel better about himself. She released a statement saying,

“I always loved him and he knows that. I asked him to get a job when he was 15 and I guess he never got over it. If he wants to be depressed all the time, fat, and spend all his time watching TV that is fine by me. I could blame World of Warcraft and Mash reruns, but there are people who can play that game and watch that show without becoming completely engulfed in it, right? People still live their lives. One day sweet Rodney will come around.

Friends of Mcparkerson say he has always been kind of a introvert, but recently it has become so bad they have stopped calling him to come out.

“I kind of forced him to make the resolution and I guess that was a mistake. I mean, people can only change if they really want to. He would be cool to hang out with sometime, but you know, I’m going to waste my time trying to make someone happy that just can’t be happy.” Paully Mc Paul Paul said.

Mcparkerson did have one more thing to ask as we left.

“Hey if you could ahh, pick up some food someplace. I don’t care where but ah, I will buy you dinner. Just bring it back and knock on the door”

		Save This Page