First round of tests complete.

(satire disclaimer) North Brunswick, NJ - A new advancement in contraception has men everywhere singing praises like a Pentecostal preacher on meth. Doctors at the Male Penile Enhancement and Pregnancy Prevention Institute are in the process of completing their first round of tests on a male birth control device.

The device, a patch that is placed on the man’s penis immediately before intercourse, works by causing the male brain to see images of a naked Rosie Odonnel riding a donkey. The images are timed to occur immediately before the man “finishes”, thus preventing pregnancy. Any sperm that somehow make it through immediately kill themselves upon seeing a second picture of Ms. Odonnel.

“We worked with many different images and the “Rosie Imaging” worked best by far” said MPEPPI Lead Researcher, Dr. David Castro. The researchers tried several different image combinations before deciding on Rosie including Hillary Clinton going down on a rottweiler, Katherine Hepburn wearing a peanut butter covered g-string, Elizabeth Taylor smothered in mustard and Joan Rivers sucking on a cucumber.

Many women we spoke with are also very happy with this new device, especially for the fact they might not have to take a daily pill any longer. “Now I can save my swallowing for more important things” said North Brunswick resident Rebecca Garcia.

The majority of males we spoke with seem open minded about what is being dubbed the next best thing to prevent ejaculation since marriage. “I am thrilled that I can finally be a male whore and not worry about hoes forgetting to take stuff that keeps babies from popping out their sun slot” stated a naked pimp at a gas station.

While this amazing new form of contraception is receiving rave reviews from both men and woman, the researchers warn that getting past some of the patch’s side effects is going to be a bit problematic. Dr. David Castro told us that some test subjects experienced “patch adhesive failure” in which the device somehow fell off and lodged itself in the female. Additional worrisome side effects include uncontrollable vomiting, skin burns, herpes and a never before seen condition being referred to as “Odonnelitis” in which the patch user experiences hallucinations any time they see Rosie Odonnel, a donkey, or any combination of the two.

		Save This Page