In Apparent MySpace Bulletin Disaster

(satire disclaimer) Sarasota, FL - 23 year old Robert Mingle awoke this morning to some shocking discoveries. And he blames them all on MySpace. MySpace.com, a popular social networking website, allows users to send out bulletins to their friends. And it’s these bulletin’s, that he refused to re-post to his own friends, that have apparently destroyed this man’s life.

Robert received a call from his father around 3:00 AM advising him that his mother had just been bludgeoned to death by a hippo on their Africa safari trip. Robert says that this was only five minutes after ignoring a MySpace bulletin which demanded to be re-posted.

Mr. Mingle was even more surprised to find out that he had lost his job when he arrived at work the next morning. “They told me that they had found pictures of me having sex with the coffee maker. While I did hump the hell out of that coffee maker, there is no way they would have found those pictures just by chance.” said Robert.

The affliction seemed to continue after he returned home to find his wife in bed with his wife’s Yoga instructor. “I walked in the room only to find them twisted in some unsightly phenomenon of sexual malformation.” Robert tells us that he remembers one bulletin warning him that his wife would cheat on him and leave if he did not re-post it in 2 minutes. Robert says that he actually did re-post that one bulletin, but was 10 seconds late.

When Robert attempted to masturbate his troubles away, he reported that his penis simply fell off. Robert says that as soon as he tried to get aroused his manhood seemed to sputter and then amazingly dropped to the floor. “One MySpace bulletin specifically stated that if I didn’t re-post it that my dick would fall off. Well, it did.”

And the ordeal didn’t end their. Robert’s apparent MySpace calamity reached plague proportions when Jesus reportedly called Robert to notify him that his Holy Love would not shine down on him any longer. “My phone rang seven times and after answering it, hail started pouring down in my living room. I knew I should have re-posted that bulletin about Jesus. Darn.” In an unbelievable turn of events, Jesus Christ then allegedly “came out of the phone”, took all the pictures of himself down off of Robert’s walls, and said he didn’t love him anymore.

Now jobless, penisless, and wifeless, Robert is trying his best to regain a life in this bulletin posting, social networking society.