So you look like Jerry Lewis when he was on drugs and you want to be able to actually see your own cock again. You probably don’t give a shit but your woman is getting sick of having to hold your stomach up when she gives you a blow job and her lower back hurts from your flab laying on it when you do doggy style. Yeah, I’d say it’s time to lose some weight.

The key is the “Along With Diet and Exercise” rule. All of these fucking diets have the same thing in common. They all say to take the product and it will help you lose weight, along with diet and exercise. This is creative marketing at its finest. You can lose weight doing or taking anything, along with diet and exercise. So I did an experiment. Every month for six months I tried one of my own products. Using the method, I lost weight every single month.

Month One Product: Slapping myself in the face

For the first month of my experiment, I slapped myself once in the morning and once at night along with diet and exercise. The first few weeks of slapping myself was a bit difficult, but by week three I was slapping myself with no problem. For my diet, I ate nothing but vegetables and turkey. For my exercise, I walked an hour a a day. Amazingly, after one month of slapping myself in the face along with diet and exercise, I lost three pounds. Not too shabby.

Month Two Product: Licking DVD’s

For month two of my experiment, I picked out two DVD’s from my collection to lick. One would be licked in the morning and one at night. For my morning DVD I chose Fight Club since I thought it would might add a little extra kick to my day. For my night DVD I chose Citizen Kane for no apparent reason. I would make sure that the DVD’s were clean and then I would swipe my tongue across the shiny part of the DVD one time for each session. I chose the Atkins diet and ate nothing but steak and eggs along with walking one hour a day. The DVD licking method along with diet and exercise helped me lose two pounds. Not that great.

Month Three Product: Watching Cops

For month three, I would watch a recorded rerun of Cops in the morning and the week’s new episode at night along with diet and exercise. As part of the Cops plan, I ate nothing but salads and fish and walked one hour a day. I’m not sure if it was the calorie burning quality of watching red necks throw chickens at each other or the excitement of all the tree humping crack heads, but I lost an amazing five pounds in one month by watching Cops along with diet and exercise.

Month Four Product: Carrying a Rock in my Pocket

Month four was a little difficult. Not all of my clothes have pockets so I had to actually buy new clothes for this part of the experiment. Once I was prepared, I placed a rock which was chosen at random and placed it my pocket. I switched pockets in the morning and at night. Along with carrying the rock, I ate a low fat, low sugar diet and again walked one hour a day. Maybe it was the extra weight of the rock causing me to burn more calories, but I lost four pounds by carrying a rock in my pocket along with diet and exercise.

Month Five Product: Pouring Water on my Head

Month five was the most excruciating part of this experiment. Every morning and night I asked my wife to pour exactly 20 ounces of water over my head. For my diet I ate leafy greens and tofu and walked one hour a day. Amazingly, I lost seven pounds by pouring water over my head along with diet and exercise. I must say that by month five I was feeling much better health wise and had much more energy.

Month Six Product: Staring at a Vacuum Cleaner

For the sixth and final month of the experiment, I stared at my vacuum cleaner for ten minutes every morning and night. I would stare really hard to help burn calories. Along with staring at my vacuum, I ate nothing but wheat bread chicken sandwiches and walked one hour a day. Staring at my vacuum cleaner helped me lose three and a half pounds. Who would have thought that such a mundane activity would have such a profound impact on my body.

What I Learned:

At the end of my experiment, it became truly obvious that a human being could lose weight using any of the weight loss and diet products that are on the market today as long as they followed all of the directions. But then again, that same person could save some money and just slap themselves too.