Now I’ve had some strange things happen to me at restaurants before but this was simply unforgivable. Various fast food places have had trouble in the recent past, but I thought that with all of these events would come perfection of food safety. Apparently I was wrong. On a recent trip to a fast food restaurant that shall remain nameless for legal reasons, I purchased a side salad with honey mustard dressing. After I got home I immediately knew something was wrong. You ever get that feeling that something weird is about to happen but have no idea what it might be? That’s the feeling I got when I removed my side salad from the inconspicuous brown bag. As I took the clear plastic cover off of the salad container and poured the dressing on, something caught my eye. For some reason, this restaurant had decided to add unreasonably long shredded carrot with my salad.

Just look at the size of those shreds of carrot. Use my fork as a guide and you will understand just how outrageously enormous those pieces of carrot are. We’re talking shredded carrot so large it could become dangerous. And that’s exactly what happened.

As I went for about my fifth fork full of salad, one of these monstrous carrot pieces came flying at my eye as if it had been aimed by a highly trained samurai warrior. As noted in the above photo, this gigantic abnormality that W*ndy’s calls a “shred” of carrot was now lodged in my right eye lobe. I immediately called 911 and was rushed to the emergency room. On the way there the EMS guy asked me why I wasn’t wearing safety goggles while I ate my salad. Apparently this sort of thing had happened before on his watch. Once I arrived, the doctor asked me if I had ever been injured by a vegetable before. I told him that when I was 15 I got a pickle stuck in my nose at McDonald’s. He looked concerned. After a bit of stitching and screaming, my wound was patched up and I was sent home.

Now I understand that diets are not the most enjoyable things in the universe but they do not need to be painful. So please, for safety’s sake, wear safety goggles when you eat the side salad from a place that rhymes with Hendy’s.

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