Fat rolls finnaly have a higher purpose.

(satire disclaimer) Freeman, NY - A recent invention by a group of New York scientists is giving hope to the entire world that both our dependence on fossil fuels and hatred of fat people will soon be a thing of the past. The Automational Waveroll Friction Generator developed by the New York Academy of Sciences uses the heat generated by the friction of obese people’s thighs rubbing together to create a relatively clean form of energy.

The friction generator uses the mechanical energy of obese people’s everyday movements to turn a turbine implanted in the obese person’s stomach rolls. This movement, walking to the refrigerator for example, causes a copper wire to spin inside a magnetic field thereby producing electric energy. As discovered in 1831 by Michael Faraday, a British scientist, moving the wire through the magnetic field causes electric current to flow in the wire.

The medium sized generators are then connected to transmission stations for delivery to local homes and businesses to power things such as lights, televisions, computers, microwaves, and sex toys. “The sheer number of obese people throughout the entire world ensures that no city, town or state will be without this option for electricity” said New York Academy of Science Professor Edward Lloyd.

Many measures have been put in place to increase productivity.

An added bonus to this form of electric generation is the hydroelectric benefit from the sweat which is produced between the man or womans thighs. It is this source of water that will be harvested in bags on the persons ankles and used to water crops and provide drinking water to the people of Detroit Michigan.

The group of scientists originally debated the possibility of of attaching windmills to womans breasts but dismissed this concept based on the legal restrictions involved as well as research feedback.

Many obese people we spoke with seem to be happy about this new technology. “It’s nice to know that we are good for more than just ensuring the success of specialty clothing manufacturers” said Amy Coralles. In addition to the community service aspect of this project, there is also a monetary reward available to obese participants. Not unlike the oil and gas royalties received by Alaska residents simply for living in Alaska, participants in the Automational Waveroll Friction Generation project will receive gift certificates to their favorite eateries for their time and efforts.

“It’s the least we could do for these amazing people” says Program Director Henry Cartwright. When asked why the program chose to pay participants with food vouchers and not cash, Director Cartwright stated that the options were laid out before trial members and they chose the vouchers 5,000 to 1.

Scientists hope to have the program in place by the year 2025 allowing the group to work out the only kink in the project. It seems that this form of sustainable energy creates a nasty form of waste byproduct called “curd” which is emitted from the wearers anus and falls to the ground during movement. The U.S. Department of Labor reportedly said that this byproduct could be a great benefit to our nation in the form of new jobs for “curd scoopers” who would pick up the waste and extract the methanol for use in powering automobiles.

So in a world where obese people are at times viewed as disgusting burdens on society, this new form of biofuel could very well renew the entire worlds view of obesity as well as renew America’s hope for a future free of dependence on foreign energy.

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