Valentines Day has become a powerful force not to be underestimated. It penetrates every aspect of life, lover or not, and there is no escaping the fact that tomorrow people everywhere are going to be making out and eating candy and fighting and getting candy breath and making out some more.

Its all really just a nasty way to sell a lot of candy.

I don’t have a girlfriend (thank god) so I am sitting pretty today thinking about how I don’t have to buy anything or go places tomorrow. But I know when I wake up in the morning I am going to feel lonely and wish I had someone to slobber on. So, to help all those who are like me enjoy tomorrow, because after all it is just another day, I have put together a list of reasons why we are better off than those suckers stuck in a relationship.

1. We are players : People who get stuck on one person don’t realize this, but once you find that love of your life, you are no longer a player. You have played and found and you are done with. Now instead of all your friends going, “Yeah! You got laid!” They are like, “man, you fucked up, and I’m not going to tell Sarah but you really should”. BORING!
2. We Like Life : Most people are in relationships because they feel like something is missing in their lives, and they need someone else to fulfill that void. Problem is people are stupid and no one can fill that void in your heart. That was put there by Jesus to make sure you know you are suffering for him. On the other hand, us free birds don’t have holes in our heart, and don’t need a stinky pussy riding up on our leg every night.
3. We Like Freedom : Being able to do what you want without being questioned about it or yelled at for is a great experience. You love birds should try it sometime.
4. Broke : Being broke is okay when you don’t have to buy shit for anyone.
5. Valentines Day is a Marketing Plan : Valentines Day was created as a marketing plan. Don’t believe me? Get $10 million together, and think of a holiday you could sell a lot of expensive junk that is cheap to make (a.k.a cardboard with pictures printed on it). Go to Washington with you new idea, hand $10 million to the right people, and you will have a holiday. I’m going for The CricketSoda National Day of Buying Shit (I like the honest approach).

Of course, there are many more, but I have a busy day ahead of me. I need time to make sure all my Valentines day gags are in order. It takes a long time to get all these chocolates back in the box after I added my special ingredient to the center (Tabasco).

Happy Valentines day everyone, and just FYI, I am totally kidding, and would love to go out with you tomorrow.

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