I was searching for inspiration today, ok, so I was sitting on the toilet talking to myself since I didn’t have a magazine. Regardless of what I was doing at the time, something happened to me. I saw an image of Pat Sajak in one of the tiles on my bathroom floor. And this was no average Pat Sajak sighting either, he had his mouth partially open as if he wanted to speak to me. I quickly stopped talking to my penis and stared at Pat. I made sure the door was locked so that Pat and I would not be disturbed should he choose to start a conversation. Sure enough, right before I stood up to wash my hands, Pat spoke.

Pat: I can do more you know.

Me: More what? I asked.
Pat: I can do more than just host that fucking game show.

Me: I’m sure you can.
Pat: I could have been a doctor or a lawyer. Anything. I just found something I really liked doing.

Me: Liked?
Pat: Vanna’s getting on my nerves. It’s like a marriage with no way out. No divorce. Contracts are in the way. It’s not easy to end it.

Me: I guess not.
Pat: Dude, spray some fucking Febreze already.

Me: Sure, (sprays Febreze) sorry about that.
Pat: What are you sorry about? It’s a restroom.

Me: Um, yeah. So why are you talking to me?
Pat: I just had to vent man. I’m so sick of this shit. Everyone loves the show so I have to put on my happy act all the time.

Me: Why don’t you just retire man?
Pat: (starts crying) I don’t know. I don’t know.

About this time, my wife knocked on the door to see if I was ok and to ask who I was talking to. I told her I was talking to a floor tile that resembled Pat Sajak and she said “Oh ok honey, sorry to interrupt.” I looked back down at Pat and he was still crying. I tried my best to comfort him. I even rubbed his cheek with my foot. I thought that was kinda gay but I didn’t know what else to do. Poor Pat. I guess all those years of spinning that wheel because time was running out had finally caught up with him. I don’t even like the show much but I couldn’t just leave him there like that. So I just stayed on that toilet as any good person would have done.

Me:What else is bothering you Pat?
Pat: I’m getting arthritis in my hands man. Can you believe that shit? Arthritis! How the fuck am I supposed to spin a wheel with arthritis man?!

The crying got so bad at this point that I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

Me: What was that Pat?
Pat: Jooble monkey pattern splat! Timbernanny backpack! Glibberglobberspitternaught? Voomberflatbootynot.

That’s all I could gather from the sobbing mess that was once master of the wheel.

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