Osmosis through sexual contact?

(satire disclaimer) FARMERSVILLE, Pa - Lately, news of Mr. Landis’s drug test results has been front page news. Mr. Landis steadfastly denies the reports that he injected himself with either a natural or artificial form of the hormone ‘testosterone’.

Mr. Landis would like to make it clear that he has not used any form of performance enhancing drug at any time before or during his cycling career.

Floyd finds it heartbreaking that people immediately think the worst of cycling professionals when they perform amazingly well during a race.

Landis’s spectacular performance in Stage 17 of the Tour De France has been called extraordinary as he jumped 8 places on his way to winning the Tour De France.

While a performance such as this is indeed extraordinary, it is in no way unnatural.

These facts not withstanding, Mr. Landis would like to explain why such high levels of this male hormone were found in both his first and second drug tests.

On the evening before the last leg of the 2006 Tour De France, Floyd made a decision that he will regret for the rest of his life.

While Floyd had heard reports that Felicity Huffman excreted high levels of testosterone, he never thought that the levels would be high enough to embed themselves inside his system through sexual contact with Felicity’s vaginal secretions.

However, make no mistake about the fact that Floyd has learned his lesson and has cut all ties with the Desperate Housewives star and is now devoting his life to warning other men about the dangers of sexual promiscuity with female actors who possess a man like appearance.

Mr. Landis appreciates your time and would like to ask that the press respect the privacy of both him and his family. Thank you.