Moist, tight, and yummy!

Thanksgiving, thankfully, is a time to show thanks for that which you are thankful. My favorite part about it though is obviously not the bullshit, but rather the turkey. There’s just so much you can do with it. It’s great! If it’s a little dry, you can still eat it — and if you tie the legs together, it keeps the inside moist, tight, and yummy! But then again, if I do the opposite and spread them legs and stuff it, it becomes equally as moist with twice the tasty satisfaction. Sounds like good pussy.

Now I’ve met a lot of people who disagree that turkey is more important than family, but to them, I say “Eat it!” because they can’t eat their families, and it would be hilariously disturbing if they tried. Especially if they did it on Thanksgiving. I mean, imagine a Thanksgiving with all the food you’d have at your mom’s house, but without all the family. Then try to imagine a Thanksgiving with all the family you’d have at your mom’s house, but without all the turkey.

Who’s right?

Yeah, that’s right bitch. I’m right. Which one’s the nightmare? Fuck family (actually, don’t). Tell me I’m right because I am and I want to hear you say your family is less important than a bird.

Take this instance for instance. What’s the first thing that comes to mind after you have just finished an entire plate of yams and turkey? Is it, “If I don’t undo my pants, I simply feel like bursting right here and now at the table”?

If you say that kind of shit in front of your family, they will look at you in disgust. They will lean to the right of their chairs, and each of them will respectively puke all over their brand new furniture and carpet. They will judge you, and never invite you over again for their festivities. And all of this could have been avoided if only you ate alone this year.

We’re Americans, right? That’s why we originally began celebrating this holiday, am I correct? Get with the program. We’re fat here. We have huge asses that love being stuffed with more weight. Wait, I do not speak for myself here. I speak only for fat people, and everything I say is true. We are chubby gluttons and lie about loving family for ONE day a year simply so we can consume their gourmet food, stink up their bathrooms, and steal as many leftovers as we can stuff into our purses and glove compartments.

But why are you thinking this is such a bad thing? In less than a month we’ll be fat, happy, and coming back for seconds. This is what you have to be thankful for. You have the fact that you can count on one BADASS dinner a year…and God damn it, that’s good enough for me.

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