Science says “Yes?”

Gay Jesus? Kyle’s finally gone way too far, right? Well not so according to scholars and researchers involved in a new movement I’m going to coin the “Jizzy Booty Messiah Movement” or JBMM. Many are questioning the sexuality of the alleged son of God. Now I don’t have anything against homosexuals but the thought of funky back door loving back in the biblical days kind of makes my stomach churn. I mean come on, they didn’t have toilet paper then so it must’ve been one huge, dirty, muddy ass mess. But I digress back to the issue at hand; “Was Jesus Christ a fudge packer?”. The question is valid and has never seriously been considered by biblical scholars. Consider the fact that his life from 12-30 is omitted from the New Testament. Those are very formable years in a person, so who’s to say Jesus wasn’t busy freaking with some dudes in a biblical era rave that probably took place in a cave. I said all that to open your mind so you can really judge the accusations with a fair and balanced view, like the great Fox News network.

Proof of Jesus getting his penis baptized?

One of the leading advocates of the JBMM movement is Australian educator, Michael Kelly. Kelly wrote this interpretation of Matthew 8:5-13 and Luke 7:2:

”One day a Roman Centurion asked him to heal his dying servant. Scholars of both Scripture and Ancient History tell us that Roman Centurions, who were not permitted to marry while in service, regularly chose a favorite male slave to be their personal assistant and sexual servant. Such liaisons were common in the Greco-Roman world and it was not unusual for them to deepen into loving partnerships….Jesus offered to go to the servant, but the centurion asked him simply to speak a word of healing, since he was not worthy to welcome this itinerant Jewish teacher under his roof. Jesus responded by healing the servant and proclaiming that even in Israel he had never found faith like this! So, in the one Gospel story where Jesus encountered people sharing what we would call a ‘gay relationship,’ we see him simply concerned about — and deeply moved by — their faith and love.”

Mr. Kelly uses that to imply that Jesus’ tolerance for homosexual behavior probably stems from his own homosexual orientation. Kelly goes on to make this observation about Jesus’ relationship with Lazarus:

“Lazarus was referred to by Jesus’ friends, when speaking to Jesus, simply as “the man you love,” He was so dear that Jesus would weep openly at his tomb and perform, for him, his most astounding miracle, raising him from the dead in the very shadow of Jerusalem and provoking the fatal wrath of the religious authorities.”

Damn, Lazarus must have had some good ass dick if he had Jesus so sprung he resurrected that fool from the grave.

Michael Kelly isn’t the only one making these claims (hence the word movement). Rollan McCleary received his doctorate from the university of Queenland for researching Jesus’ sexuality. Dr. McCleary claims that Jesus and atleast three of his apostles were gay. Dr. McCleary is confident in his researcher and doesn’t let naysayers deter him (because he’s got a “Dr.” in front of his name and they don’t) and says:
“People haven’t taken them very seriously because they don’t have any evidence and they say things so sensationally that people are not really going to listen or just be very angry. What I’m doing is showing a much more theological and also astrological dimension on all this which will make a lot more sense to people.”

The most convincing advocate of the JBMM movement would have to be Reverend Peter Murphy. This dude is a reverend, only important people like Al Sharpton and Run from Run-DMC can have reverend in front of their name so surely Rev. Murphy knew what he was talking about when he made these four points:

1.) In the Greek cultural context [for the Book of John is written in Greek, for a Greek reading audience, and incorporated Greek cultural ideas] homosexuality was not considered abhorrent. “A disciple whom the teacher loved” would be seen as a homosexual relationship between the student and the teacher.

2.) In the Mediterranean world, people did not sit around tables on chairs to eat as they do now. They would recline around low tables on couches, or if poor, recline on mats and blankets around the food placed on a central mat.

3.) Some indication that this (point number 2) is the practice in John 13: 23, the disciple reclines his head on Jesus’ breast. That would be physically impossible is they were sitting on chairs; therefore, Jesus must have been reclining in order for this disciple to also be able to recline. In short, the disciple is physically lying on top of Jesus. Two men, or a man and a boy, both stretched out on a couch or blanket, with the one on top of the other. The way two homosexuals would have laid together.

4.) Homosexuality existed throughout history, and with Hellenism and its influence in Judea was strong by the first century. To believe that homosexuality did not exist in Judea, would be on the same level as to believe that adultery and fornication did not exist.

Rev. McCleary also adds that:

“In Mark 14: 51-52, a young man, one of Jesus’ followers, is running around scantly dressed, and then runs off in the nude to escape arrest, therefore he was among Jesus’ companions. Now according to Mark chapter 14, Jesus keeps departing from his disciples to go off in the bushes repeatedly, supposedly to pray, but he may have been involved in more carnal activities; the possibility exists. We don’t know from the sources what really was going on, but we do know that something was very peculiar between Jesus and young men.”

It’s hard to imagine anyone disputing anything after convincing evidence from strong sources like that but alas some folks just refuse to get the cotton out their ears. In typical religious right fashion an Al-Qaeda like response (i.e. bomb and death threats) is evoked against anyone willing to raise the valid question about Jesus’ sexuality. The truth is though who are appalled are the fakest Christians of all because it shouldn’t matter whether or not Christ fancied taking a swig of man juice every now and then. The important thing was the message of love the potential fruit spread, even if was back door loving.

		Save This Page