No Cat Ladies Please! Recently divorced 35 y/o widower (long story) looking for smart, lively, unmarried woman to make a new life with. I’m a kind man seeking a woman that won’t spray paint my car hot pink after finding out that I cheated on her (with her sister).

It would also be very nice if she didn’t have a psychotic cat named Mr. Smiley who peed on my face when I was sleeping. In addition to these simple requests, I’d really like a woman who didn’t have two and a half breasts and never let me forget about it. She should also not be afraid of air, water, breathing, sex, or brown food. Interested ladies should contact me through Ad # 48421.

I Got Everything you Need Right Here! 50 y/o male, gifted with large penis in search of small, ignorant, clean, 70’s to 80’s, physically fit, shiny, emotionally unstable companion to share new water bed with, must be openly affectionate without being annoying. I’m known in the hood, exciting, well endowed, rich, tall, green eyed, balding, smart, and have a large penis. Did I mention I have a large penis? I’m ready, are you? Ad# 487951

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