One of our more prestigious interviews that we are very proud to present to you.

(satire disclaimer) Today I sit with with John Horn. One of the worlds most renowned Psychologists. His contributions in the areas of fluid and crystallized intelligence can only be described as truly extraordinary. His wisdom on the subject is simply mind boggling. Possessing several prestigious degrees including a Ph.D. in measurement and personality from the University of Illinois as well as being honored with many awards in his field, he has found his way into history as one of the great minds on human intelligence. Residing in a modest home in San Pedro California, we join Dr. Horn in his office for a good ol’ fashioned game of word association. Surely, the one word answers from such a notable mind will still hold great meaning.

Mark Garrison: Good evening Dr. Horn. First I’d like to thank you for allowing us into your home and for your time. Dr. John Horn: Certainly Mark. No problem at all. You are very welcome. And thank you for the opportunity.

MG: You’re welcome as well Doctor. Are you familiar with the word
association game? JH: I certainly am. A very interested game indeed.

MG: Ok, shall we begin?

JH: Go right ahead.

MG: Apple

JH: A pomaceous fruit, of the species Malus domestica in the Rosaceae family. Also known as a familiar metaphor for the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden.

MG: Um. Doctor. Thank you very much for that thorough description of the apple. However, with all due respect, the aim of this game is to simply respond with one word that comes into your mind as opposed to an intensely thorough description.

JH: Ah, yes. I’m very sorry. I seem to have forgot the rules of this game for a moment. Please continue.

MG: Dog

JH: Most are very sociable creatures. The loyalty they demonstrate seems to be embedded in their instincts, similar to the human idea of love and companionship.

MG: Dr. Horn.

JH: Yes?

MG: I truly do appreciate your answers, however, I must again remind you that the game is played by simply responding with only one word. Such as in the last question, when I said “Dog,” most people would respond with “Cat.”

JH: Ah, I see. You must forgive me. I am now firmly conscience of the
rules.

MG: Thank you Doctor. I assure you, this is a fun little game once you get the ball rolling so to say.

JH: Please, continue.

MG: Happy

JH: Pinnacle of joy.

MG: Ok Doctor, that was a little better but we’re still looking for only a one word response.

JH: Yes.

MG: See! Exactly like that. Yes is one word. That’s exactly what we’re
shooting for.

JH: I got it.

MG: Wisdom

JH: While it may arrive in many forms, one must….

MG: Excuse me Doctor. But you’re doing it again. One word. One word answers. “Apple-Banana,” “Dog-Cat,” “Happy-Sad,” and so on. Please. Shall we continue?

JH: Certainly.

MG: See! You did it again, now just do that after I say the word I’m going to say alright?

JH: Go ahead.

MG: Rabies.

JH: What?

MG: Rabies.

JH: Um.

MG: Herpes.

JH: Wait a minute. Um wasn’t my response to rabies, I….

MG: Herpes.

JH: [Stands up and rubs his head in frustration. Takes a sip of coffee.]

MG: [Fondle myself. Take a swig from a silver flask and continue.]

MG: Herpes

JH: 1948

MG: Dammit! That’s not a fucking word! That’s a year you fucking moron!

JH: [Pulls a small revolver from his pant leg and points it at my face]

MG: [Grabs revolver and struggle ensues]

JH: [Heavy breathing, trying to shoot me in face.]

MG: [Tangled up with Dr. Horn, falls to the ground and bangs Horn's hand against floor causing gun to fly across room.]

JH: [Pulls knife from other pant leg and slashes me across the face.]

MG: [Stands up and tackles Dr. Horn into bookshelf.]

JH: Ok! Ok! We must stop this madness! [Heavy breathing]

MG: I agree. [Heavy breathing]

JH: Please, give me the next word.

MG: Fuck

JH: You

MG: [Pulls bazooka from left coat pocket and blasts Dr. Horn back to the depths of hell from which he came.]

JH: [Shallow breathing. Alien crawls out of Doctor's mouth and flys through ceiling leaving trail of red goo behind it.]

It should be noted that at this time I felt the need to end the interview. Since I didn’t have the chance at the time, I’d like to offer my sincerest thanks to Dr. John Horn for taking the time to play word association.

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