(satire disclaimer) According to inside reports, YouTube installed a new feature on their website today that they are calling “The Shredder.” It detects when the user posts something that doesn’t add value to the community (based on votes in a Digg like style). The first person to be killed from the new feature was 14 year old Jon Jones from Colorado. He posted “first,” on three videos, and then exploded into dust. <-(image left) Jon Jones from Colorado.

The user is warned once, and on the second infraction, cut into a million pieces by lasers coming from their monitor. This works around current murder laws because it is technically being committed by a computer screen, and not a real person.

“I hated that guy anyways,” best friend Roe Joe said. “He would always bum my last smoke and I had to get my mom to buy more and she would lecture me and worry. Plus, all he did all day is post stupid comments. Talk about not having a life.”

Creator of the new feature, Brain Willis has a bright outlook on the new feature.

“Well you see, the problem almost takes care of itself. Most of the time the people posting these comments have no social skills or a life, and they just commit suicide before the problem gets severe.” Willis said. “This new feature will just take care of those who are pussy and can’t do it themselves.”

Many hardcore YouTube fans love the new feature, and say they really see a difference.

“I really hate some of the comments on that darn YouTube.” Video Blogger Hans Fans Mcshorty said. “People are so stupid sometimes, posting things like ‘First’ and ‘visit my website where I show my breasts.’ Not cool man, but with this new feature, they sure will be hot in their seats!”

The new technology used in the feature, developed by Death Labs Llt uses the power already in most computer monitors to focus a beam so powerful, it can cut human flesh.

“Yeah, me and some friends sitting around decided that we really need to do something about it.” Lead Laser Guy McGuy Leroy said. “They even made a movie about stuff like that on College Humor or something. So we figured, the best way to do it would be to kill the people legally. That is where the laser comes in. If they are not sitting at the computer when it goes off, well, you know it will at least fuck up their chair a little bit.”

For some reason people opposed to the new laser feature didn’t pick up their phones or respond to our emails. CricketSoda has also put the system in place, but it is just a test to see how it affects our spam problems. Currently, our traffic is down 50% and I don’t seem to know where my friends are…

What is all this dust that smells like beef jerky?